Let's talk about... suicide

What conversations do you imagine having to have with your teenager that you need to prepare for, but you find challenging?

The sex talk is the obvious one, whatever your beliefs and family values: 'You need to use some form of contraception now that you are having sex. And be aware of the risk of contracting sexual diseases' … 'Shall we go together to Family Planning' … 'We do not believe in sex before marriage' …

Or around illness: There’s been a diagnosis and I’m not well, and it’s important you understand what is happening…

Or death: I’ve something very sad to tell you…

Separation: Dad and I have something to tell you but before we do, we want you to know that we both love you very much…

And then there’s the conversations that you might not think of preparing for, particularly the heart wrenching ones. One I wasn’t prepared for was the one about suicide.

But it had to be faced up to, and since the challenging conversations of the previous Friday, and with my son AWOL for the following 24 hours, I had some time to get my thoughts in order.

My layperson’s advice that I can give for having this conversation is this: be precise, honest, and factual. Remain calm and keep an open mind.

In tone, you need to be strong and reassuring.

In content, state the issue upfront. Make questions clear and unambiguous. The words will come.

Even the most practiced therapists and counselors know that when it comes to their own parenting, emotion gets in the way – you can’t be a therapist to your children, but you can think about the skills that counselors and psychologists and other health workers employ.

They listen for what’s being said beyond the words spoken. They watch for physical signs that are not congruent with words (for example, when someone is speaking about a challenging event he/she may laugh, or use dismissive language which indicates all is not as it sounds). They don’t talk a lot themselves. They are comfortable with silences, pauses and gaps in conversation, as often these are when the most significant shifts take place and the most relevant information emerges.

But, if you can’t remember all of these skills, just try this: breathe out slowly.

As soon as Teen1 was home and I ascertained he was straight, I launched straight into it: Son, I had an agency contact me concerned about your mental well-being. They specifically mentioned that you may be suicidal. Suicide is extremely serious. I am absolutely here for you, I will listen, and I would like to talk about this now. Can you tell me if they and I am right to be worried? **

T1 looked up from the James Patterson crime novel he was reading in bed and said, “you’ve got to be fucking kidding”.

Which lessened the tension somewhat. “Who told you that?” he asked.

I decided to tell him the circumstances and the person involved.

“Suicide is serious, mum, you don’t muck around with that”, T1 commented. He looked into the middle distance. “I’m not suicidal mum, so give it up”. Then went back to his book.

Suicide is serious, and my heart goes out to all families who have suffered through a loved one’s suicide or attempted suicide. For me, it was another wave that broke over the bow of my little boat on the stormy sea. Although I remain on alert, this particular storm passed without incident.

May all yours be safe.

**Please do not use this as a script. I’d like to think I could do better, but it was all I could come up with at the time. Consult an expert in suicide counselling if anyone you know is at risk. Call Youthline, your hospital’s Emergency Psychology Services, or Lifeline, all of which are available 24 hours. The White Pages or www.mentalhealth.org.nz have lists of numbers.