A Storm in the Morning, then a Rainbow Appears

I went out last night to the movies, a rare ‘cheap night out’.  My nephew was staying at home with T2 and T3.  T1, still charging on a high after his fuel injected breakfast (see “Breakfast Specials” post) was off out to…. wherever.

I had a great evening with friends and I was home at a time that was well within T1’s inconsequential curfew hour.  I had a nice chat with my nephew, then sighing (rather dramatically in retrospect) I muttered woefully (it seems now) that hoped I wasn’t in for another long wait into the small hours of the morning until T1 came in.  He brightly responded:

“Sorry, I forgot to mention that T1 got in about 10, and he just went straight to bed”!!

I was gob smacked. 

T1 at home in bed before 2am in the weekend?? Bed for me before 2am??  

Dammit, nothing to moan about in my new blog? 

There had been a nasty storm in the house that morning, and then a rainbow appeared.

He iti hau marangai e tū te pāhokahoka - first comes the light wind, carrying rain, then comes the rainbow.

I slept long and well last night: wishing all parents peaceful sleeps.

Breakfast Specials

Today’s Special Breakfast menu

Menu Presentation: Teenage son.

Head Chef and Family Business Owner: Mother of Teenage son

On today’s menu (condiments in brackets):

Green tea (with fuck off lemon)

Kiwifruit (with you’re a such fucking bitch yoghurt)

Special K (with Special shut the fuck up skim milk)

Porridge for the kids (with get the fuck out of my way brown sugar)

Toast (spread with a generous topping of leave me alone honey)

Takeaway ham and cheese Turkish bread (with take the trash bin out yourself mayo)

Prices:  free and without the condiments if customer shuts up and doesn’t say a word about preparing to meet the School Principal at 8.40am to discuss school stand-down.

Tipping guide : Throw in $20 and Menu Presenter will leave the kitchen and go to school.

Customer review – “Sour and badly presented food.  I left without paying.  Needs to do better if diners will come near this menu.  I understand that the Head Chef has now left, the cupboards will remain bare, and the Business Owner is leaving the till empty and bank account closed until the sour ingredients are omitted and there’s a distinct change in presentation.  The Business Owner was overheard to comment that the consequences of not doing so will mean unemployment, loss of basic necessities, and absolutely no possibility of expanding into other growth areas, locally, nationally or internationally.  As time goes by, this reviewer hopes the Menu Presenter will realise that with improvement, there will be massive gains, greater trust and numerous rewards.”

[Other diners, please post comments]

Car Crash

I smashed my car into someone’s house.  
It happened when I was out on a Mad Mother Mission:  “Collect T1 from his bolt hole, and deliver him to school."  
Objectives of the Mission: 1.     make myself known to the mother of the house2.     be clear that MY son whom she was housing at night has a loving family, anxious about his actions and whereabouts3.     establish a bond with the mother: only by working together can we support our sons to make the right choices4.     ensure my values and expectations around education, respect and boundaries were clear to her so she understood my concern at her having my son without my knowledge or permission5.     seek agreement that we will support each other to enforce clear expectations whatever that means for each of us individually
If 1-5 are like talking Russian to her, then, move to other tactics:6.     shout, scream and yell at the (stupid bloody) parent for not once thinking to contact me whilst I have been up in the night going nuts7.     followed by a physical beating of the parent about the head for contributing to my anxiety and being so frigging STUPID And/or:
8.     be mindful that we are each spiritual beings, on our own journey, working through our own life purpose, and convey a gentle, caring, respectful concern for the other mother who undoubtedly has challenges of her own.
Background: I was in a state.  T1 was treating home like a serviced boarding house, had escalated his abuse to his brothers and me, been out on all night benders, and attended school mid-term exams in body only.  
Motivation: While I am up pacing the house at 2am, someone out there, some parent, some adult had to know that my son was in their house, and yet had no compunction to contact me.  I was angry.  Sleep deprived.  And instead of boxing shadows – I was in Action Mode to Change the World.
Situation: rain, sleet, wind.  T1 hadn’t come home the night before, a school night.  Through a process of intensive investigation to find addresses of his mates (more on filling in your knowledge gaps in upcoming posts) and elimination (I knew he’d be at one of two bolt holes), I decided to go to the house in question and get him out of there.  I texted the mother who was at work, and she replied that she was sure he wasn’t at the house.  My intuition told me that she had no idea, and, of course he was at her place.
Operation: I pull up at the house.  T1’s bike is leaning against the wall.  There’s no parking out front just a car pad at the front entrance.  No sign of life, no lights on.  My heart starts thumping.  If I knock, he might run.  So I should just walk in.  Heart thumps harder – can I just do that?  Walk in to someone’s house?  How will I get him into the car quickly?  I decide to park on the car pad.  I’m shaking.  The house is unkept, falling apart, ripped curtains and blankets over the windows.  A sad house.  For a split second, I find myself thinking about organizing a working group of the boys to help clean the place up. STOP – I haven’t got time for compassion and all that stuff.  I reverse onto the car pad and  - SMASH.  Straight into the corner of the house!!!  
I wait for a heavy-set man to come out armed with a baseball bat and take to the car and me.  Nothing. 
Breathing deeply, I ease out of the car and take the six short steps to the door.  I breathe again.  I open the door.  Walk in.  Turn left.  A filthy, unkept room, ashtrays overflowing onto the floor, empty bottles, ripped couches, water damaged walls, rubbish everywhere.  A smell that is the smell of poverty, depression and hopelessness.  I’ll never forget it.
And there, on the couch, is my beautiful 14 year old boy, body slumped, pale faced, a rash of angry pimples postulating on his handsome face, eyes baggy and dull, but widening in shock to see me.
“What the fuck….”, he says.  And my heart stills, I shed unseen tears, my soul cries out in witness to his pain - and I have never been so glad to see him as in that very moment.
I wonder if the residents or owners ever look at the corner of their house and wonder how a 30cm chunk of weatherboard had come off it.  I know I will look at my car’s rear fender and be reminded of that unfortunate incident, every day.
My son has been gone all day today; he's possibly back at that same place.  It has a je ne sais quoi about it for him.  I hope he gets in tonight before 2am.  I’m so tired, if I go looking for him tonight, my motor skills (yep, pun, too tired to think of something else) are such that I’d probably drive straight through the door into the front room this time. 
Wishing you a deep and peaceful sleep.

Suspension, Exclusion and Expulsion

Here’s what you need to know about the processes if your child starts getting into trouble at school.  There’s a pamphlet covering the issues that I’ll summarise (I have several copies sent to me by the school, all in good order, if anyone wants one.  I doubt you really want the full legislation to wade through.)



Stand – down


Your kid’s played up, the school is sick of warning him/her.  Then the principal decides formally to remove the student from school for a specified period.  Usually it’s up to a few days.  But a student can’t get more than 5 stand-downs in a term or 10 in a year, or things start getting a bit more serious.  As in:



Suspension

Your kid is removed from school and the Board of Trustees gets to decide how to proceed: from lifting the suspension, to having your kid excluded or expelled.  (You really should vote in the board elections, they have some heavy responsibilities and you might want to know who each of the Trustees are.)



Exclusion

This is if your kid is under 16.  They have to leave school but also have to enrol at another school, and the principal may help with arrangements to do so, or, 



Expulsion 

If your kid is over 16, they are kicked out and can enrol at another school if they want to.  The Ministry of Education can be asked to help find another school the student can attend.With all of these actions, the principles of natural justice must be followed. So, an action must be justified, and you do have the right to appear before the Board and provide any information you think is relevant to the Board in making its decision.  The student can appear also.  The Board has to make its decision independent of the Principal.  



Family and whānau support is encouraged and there are government services that offer assistance in this.



Conclusion 

Keep encouraging your child not to choose the hard way in life.  Tell them they have the right and freedom to make their own choices but with this comes responsibility, consequences and opportunities.  Tell them every day that you love them, and you believe in them.  If you end up needing the information above, then you’ve done all you could do at that time for your child.  Be strong.  Be there to support them through the next steps.

And sleep deeply and peacefully.

My first followers

Hello dear followers!

I am humbled by your early following and your comments.  Thank you!!

Unfortunately, there appears to be a blogspot issue encountered by many bloggers over the last few weeks, whereby comments are not being published under the posts.  I have no idea how or when it will be fixed, but it seems to me to be a major shortfall on this site.

It is early days and I may transition to other blog software.  Until then, I will post your comments separately so others can see them.

Sleep well

Choice: The Easy Way, or, The Hard Way

Most of us, given the options and depending on the situation would choose the easy way.  As in: do the job and get paid, or fail to turn up and don’t get paid.  Practice the piano and pass the exam, or don’t practice and fail.  Turn up to sports practice and be on the team, or get booted off.  Pay the mortgage or lose the house.  Do the right thing at school or get expelled.

I was going to write about ‘loving detachment’ tonight, but that concept got trashed when I received a call from the school principal today and this other more pressing issue has taken precedence.  Teenage son, aka T1, was stood down – that is, suspended - from school today.  Not for the first time.

Every day this term that T1 has left the house, I have encouraged him to face up to doing the detention time to make up for his truancy last term, so that he can wipe the slate clean, get on with Term 3, and look forward to the rugby team tour later in August .  Lots of positives, I said.  I believe in you, I said.  I don't hear a word you are saying, he perhaps thought. 

And so, it transpires that he hasn’t gone to the last several detentions.   On top of that, there was an incident that had a teacher send him out of class to the Principal’s office.  (“Unfair”, T1 protested.  “It is supposed to be three strikes then out”. His counsellor put to him the possibility of the teacher’s tolerance being stretched due to past incidents in class.  T1’s reaction was predictable.) 

The school has worked with us in the last few months trying to find ways to support T1, but I will find exactly how far the tolerance will be extended, at a meeting with the Principal on Friday.  The consequences are not pretty.

Conveniently, T1 had a counselling session booked at 3pm today.  Getting him there is the subject of another whole post.  But we did get there.   Almost 2 hours later, we emerged with a tentative agreement.  I and other authority representatives will “leave him alone” (his core demand) if he: attends school, completes school work, respects teachers, property and other pupils and maintains his sports commitments.  He will be home each night at 6pm for dinner, respect his mother and brothers and household property, contribute to the running of the house, be at home on weeknights and negotiate his hours to go out at weekends.  

You can, counselled his counsellor, choose the easy way or the hard way.  Believe me, he said, the easy way is by far the better way, and we are all here to support you in doing that.  Easy way, or hard way? your choice.

Within 15 minutes driving from the city to home, he had told me to get fucked because I wouldn’t agree to drop him at a mate's house where he scores or uses dope, so he bolted from the car, and its been 7 hours since I last saw him.

I guess he’s chosen the hard way.

Wishing you a deep and peaceful sleep.  I know I need it.  I just hope it comes before 2am!

Moving from Blame and Shame, to Action

I understand the need occasionally to feel like doling out some blame.  Here’s some  examples of my blame game moments I’ve subjected myself to lately: 

-       I blame the divorce

-       I blame myself for moving country, city, schools, friendship groups

-       I blame my teenager’s drop kick mates

-       I blame my teen

-       I blame me

-       I blame conceiving when under the influence of champagne (just enough to promote enjoyment but maybe enough to damage future teenage brain development?)

-       I blame other parents for not having the same values as me

-       I blame other parents for having my son to stay at night without contacting me

-       I blame the city I live in for being so cold and, (always a handy one)

-       I blame the children’s father

I’m going to lay blame for this blog on my occasional psychologist. I think he will just laugh and bat the blame ball back at me.  He’s like that, is Nigel. 

Fame is following him around at the moment, and he’s a household name.  I found him through the internet, and thought him to be intriguing. A modern shrink, with a penchant for an irreverent line as well as clear-sighted advice for helping parents navigate some ugly life challenges. 

My curiosity piqued, I :

-       read his books (it was a relief to laugh at the sheer horribleness of parenting a wayward teen, whilst also gaining some workable, sane parenting tips),

-       listened to him hold a 500 strong audience of parents enthralled for two hours, and

-       laughed and cried through my personal counselling sessions with him at his practice rooms (laughing is more fun than crying in counseling). 

Nigel’s a clinical psychologist who’s followed hundreds of families with troubled teens; he’s got 10 step formulas, and has sound-bite sized simplifications of research on teenage brain development - which no sleep deprived parent has much time to study themselves in the original (well I don’t).  As well as reading his and others’ books, I knew without question that I needed some counselling of a practical nature, some reassurance, some normalizing of the situation I was facing, some factual and New Zealand relevant information, and some options unique to my challenges that I could act on. 

As well as all that, what else did I get from my last counselling session?  I came up with an idea for a book about parents’ experiences, and Nigel batted it right back at me, with a comment like, why don’t you write up something authentic and helpful for yourself and others – in a blog, if not in a book. 

He didn’t factor in my technophobia, my single-mother-of-three time-poor life, stress brought on by being awake so many nights at 2am, and my shell-like Cancerian sense of privacy.  Find time to blog? Blog my experiences about my family life?  Share my deepest personal anxieties and foibles?  Air my personal life in a space that clients, prospective clients, employers, colleagues, my ex-partner and my mum could access?  Take my son’s private life online?  No way.

Or: Yes Way.  Because this is a real part of my life.  In fact, this is my first priority – being a parent.  Right now, I have lost a connection with my son and I am, in real time, watching as he takes off at a sprint down a path that seems to me destined for disaster or at minimum, perpetrating a stunning loss of opportunities.   It doesn’t make me a failure, but it makes me human as I search for ways to cope and learn and do better to support him and keep myself sane.  So, I’ve said ‘yes’ to this blog, in the hope that I get to learn some stuff, any followers get to learn stuff too and know that they are not alone, and those parents who are a step or two ahead of me, can offer their wisdom and experiences.

So, really, I don’t want to play the blame game.  Certainly not for what’s happening to my teenager.  And not really for my shrink’s encouragement to set up this blog! 

What I can instead suggest for all worried parents as a positive step away from the blame game, is – get into ACTION.  Get some support and practical advice, as well as some nurturing support for YOU.  Go to a counsellor -  in many places in New Zealand there are free and excellent counselling services for teenagers and their families.

Don’t be ashamed.  Don’t feel as if you are to blame.  I know it is horrible to admit to outsiders that your teenager is acting way beyond your boundaries, control, expectations or values.  I personally experienced a deep-rooted sense of shame, as if I had failed somehow in my parenting.  This is nonsense.  If you care, and you are worried, find some help.  In upcoming blogs, I’ll give you a list of agencies that I went to for advice and help.  I am still stretching their services as far as I can to get help and advice.

With grateful thanks (not blame) to my occasional psychologist Nigel Latta.

Sleep deeply and peacefully tonight.  

In the Beginning

In the beginning, just a few short months ago, my son didn’t come home after school, nor did he arrive in for dinner. There was something about this event that sent my parental antennae to high alert scanning. When he did come in later that evening, it was like a different, alien being had suddenly invaded his body and mind. The change really was that fast, and I remember the day vividly.

In the next few days, I learned a number of things about my son: he was addicted to smoking; he enjoyed smoking cannabis and had been smoking cannabis for at least a year and a half (since he was 12 or 13); he had ditched his friends, and had hooked up with a bunch of new mates none of whom I had met or heard of before.

Before I was a parent, I had smugly believed that I’d know immediately if my children smoked or did drugs. I was I thought realistic enough to think that by the age of 14, sex, drugs, alcohol and smoking would have been in the orbit of my children’s lives – but they would refuse some or all of the above at least for a year or so beyond 14 (or a decade!). (This is often told to parents at school meetings – to get with the sad reality that 14 most kids have tried or been offered tobacco, alcohol, drugs and sex).

I thought I was ‘cool’ and experienced enough to be able to tell if my kids were into this stuff. It was, however, a brutal shock to me, not only to realize that it was all happening right then for him, but most distressingly, that it had been going on for a long time. (I’ll tell you a story about my conversation with other parents on facing the realities of what our kids are up to in a later blog).

So what did I do?

I went into overdrive. I researched every site on the internet I could about drugs and teenagers. Ironically, I had the time to do this – if my son wasn’t home at 1am or 2am in the morning, I suddenly found I had a lot more time. (The burn out was to come some weeks later – and so was the establishment of the “2am Club for Parents”). I read articles and watched videos on parenting teenagers from all corners of the globe. I googled with 2am eyes for research on what cannabis does to the teenage brain. I can tell you this: it’s nastier than ever, as cannabis these days is usually hydroponically produced and its narcotic effects (THC – the mind altering chemical) are far stronger than a generation or two ago causing increased hallucinations and side effects that could last for years. You can check it out yourself – and I recommend you do – by searching for information on the internet you can weed out (pun intended) the good articles from the bad and get some useful information, on many drugs not just cannabis. The US government’s NIDA site was one that I found easy to read.

I also burned up phone lines during the day. I contacted every agency in the city to talk to them about their drug and alcohol programmes for youth. It was massively sobering, frightening but also valuable. I was starting to build some support groups. I was learning to have the humility to reach out and admit things were not going well in my family, and to have the grace to accept advice and help.

My advice : right from the very beginning get ahead of the game. Find the information. I explained repeatedly to counselors at advisory bureaus: ” I will not be six months down the track from today, and facing a worse case scenario, wish I had talked to you, or found the information and the support resources I needed, only for it to be, by then, too late.”

Early intervention is the key in my experience. If you don’t like drugs (and let’s face it, they are illegal), be clear and concrete with your kids from a really early age about what you are prepared to tolerate, and that you have a zero tolerance attitude. The same goes for underage drinking, sex and smoking. It might not actually stop your teen from doing it, but I know, that somewhere inside my teenager’s brain synapses, there’s a signal that transmits a message: ‘this isn’t a good thing to be doing’, and/or, ‘my mum would not want me to be doing this’.

If this is so, and I wish it to be so, I have a hope and chance that my zero tolerance on drugs, and my value based guidelines on social and personal issues, might at one pivotal, split second point in my son’s life, stop him for doing something life alteringly stupid.

Last weekend I found a home made bong (a water pipe used for smoking marijuana) in my teenager’s room. No dramas – I threw it in the rubbish and not a word about it was spoken. He knows I found it and I chucked it out. This was “zero tolerance for drug paraphernalia in my house” in action.

Perhaps I was – still am – being overly paranoid. But if you are a parent who was up last night at 2am, as I was, not knowing if your teenager was drunk or stoned or coming home at all, and you care enough to read this blog, then I think a healthy degree of paranoia might be enough to get you informed, and get some action underway. That is if you are not too exhausted the next day!

For now, sleep deeply and peacefully. Blessings and light.

The First 2am Post

Hello and welcome to this first post on the 2.00am Parents' Club site.

I imagine if you are reading this, you are a parent whose teenager is out there in the night somewhere but you don't know where. Maybe you have been up often at 2am waiting for your teenager to come home having no idea where he or she is, worried sick and not sure what to do next, or who to turn to for help.

Perhaps you are feeling unable to turn any anger and frustration with the situation into positive energy with positive outcomes? or feeling helpless? or desperate? alone? ashamed? guilty? maybe tonight, you are so exhausted, you feel like giving up on your child? and the list of parental anxieties goes on... We will get to all of them and more, I am sure.

The intent behind this blog, is to connect with other parents in this situation who can offer support and advice on what they are doing, and how to cope with what seems like an insurmountable problem - especially when it is 2am or 3am in the morning and you are massively sleep deprived.

Maybe you are looking for some answers; maybe you can offer answers having been through this 'stage' already. This is a site to support parents who are struggling to cope with the challenges of raising teens. Especially young teens who don't come home at night. There's some rules for this blog. There's no space here for ranting or excessive emotive writing. Parenting is an emotional roller coaster. Every family is unique. I’d like to hear what you are going through but in a constructive way with a message in what you have to say. So take a deep breath before commenting.

Noone under the age of 18 can post comments - sorry, we know this is all about you, sort of, but this is a site for parents to have a space to air their worries, and hopefully, find some solutions and ways of coping. Comments can be up to 500 words maximum.

Experts in the fields of parenting, child psychology, alcohol and drug abuse, or from social and community support groups are encouraged to join the discussions. Parents who visit this site are looking for help, answers, support and guidance. So please, send a comment or email me with your comment.

In coming posts, I will share what I am going through with my own teenagers (I am in the early stages of a teenager's leap into dangerous territory), my learnings and my research. Take heart from the fact that you are not alone, and sleep deeply and peacefully.

Love and light to all.