Moving from Blame and Shame, to Action

I understand the need occasionally to feel like doling out some blame.  Here’s some  examples of my blame game moments I’ve subjected myself to lately: 

-       I blame the divorce

-       I blame myself for moving country, city, schools, friendship groups

-       I blame my teenager’s drop kick mates

-       I blame my teen

-       I blame me

-       I blame conceiving when under the influence of champagne (just enough to promote enjoyment but maybe enough to damage future teenage brain development?)

-       I blame other parents for not having the same values as me

-       I blame other parents for having my son to stay at night without contacting me

-       I blame the city I live in for being so cold and, (always a handy one)

-       I blame the children’s father

I’m going to lay blame for this blog on my occasional psychologist. I think he will just laugh and bat the blame ball back at me.  He’s like that, is Nigel. 

Fame is following him around at the moment, and he’s a household name.  I found him through the internet, and thought him to be intriguing. A modern shrink, with a penchant for an irreverent line as well as clear-sighted advice for helping parents navigate some ugly life challenges. 

My curiosity piqued, I :

-       read his books (it was a relief to laugh at the sheer horribleness of parenting a wayward teen, whilst also gaining some workable, sane parenting tips),

-       listened to him hold a 500 strong audience of parents enthralled for two hours, and

-       laughed and cried through my personal counselling sessions with him at his practice rooms (laughing is more fun than crying in counseling). 

Nigel’s a clinical psychologist who’s followed hundreds of families with troubled teens; he’s got 10 step formulas, and has sound-bite sized simplifications of research on teenage brain development - which no sleep deprived parent has much time to study themselves in the original (well I don’t).  As well as reading his and others’ books, I knew without question that I needed some counselling of a practical nature, some reassurance, some normalizing of the situation I was facing, some factual and New Zealand relevant information, and some options unique to my challenges that I could act on. 

As well as all that, what else did I get from my last counselling session?  I came up with an idea for a book about parents’ experiences, and Nigel batted it right back at me, with a comment like, why don’t you write up something authentic and helpful for yourself and others – in a blog, if not in a book. 

He didn’t factor in my technophobia, my single-mother-of-three time-poor life, stress brought on by being awake so many nights at 2am, and my shell-like Cancerian sense of privacy.  Find time to blog? Blog my experiences about my family life?  Share my deepest personal anxieties and foibles?  Air my personal life in a space that clients, prospective clients, employers, colleagues, my ex-partner and my mum could access?  Take my son’s private life online?  No way.

Or: Yes Way.  Because this is a real part of my life.  In fact, this is my first priority – being a parent.  Right now, I have lost a connection with my son and I am, in real time, watching as he takes off at a sprint down a path that seems to me destined for disaster or at minimum, perpetrating a stunning loss of opportunities.   It doesn’t make me a failure, but it makes me human as I search for ways to cope and learn and do better to support him and keep myself sane.  So, I’ve said ‘yes’ to this blog, in the hope that I get to learn some stuff, any followers get to learn stuff too and know that they are not alone, and those parents who are a step or two ahead of me, can offer their wisdom and experiences.

So, really, I don’t want to play the blame game.  Certainly not for what’s happening to my teenager.  And not really for my shrink’s encouragement to set up this blog! 

What I can instead suggest for all worried parents as a positive step away from the blame game, is – get into ACTION.  Get some support and practical advice, as well as some nurturing support for YOU.  Go to a counsellor -  in many places in New Zealand there are free and excellent counselling services for teenagers and their families.

Don’t be ashamed.  Don’t feel as if you are to blame.  I know it is horrible to admit to outsiders that your teenager is acting way beyond your boundaries, control, expectations or values.  I personally experienced a deep-rooted sense of shame, as if I had failed somehow in my parenting.  This is nonsense.  If you care, and you are worried, find some help.  In upcoming blogs, I’ll give you a list of agencies that I went to for advice and help.  I am still stretching their services as far as I can to get help and advice.

With grateful thanks (not blame) to my occasional psychologist Nigel Latta.

Sleep deeply and peacefully tonight.