Changin' times

He's moved out.  Figuratively, I mean.  The Pretender : he's gone.  I'm not sure if it is a holiday, or he's gone for good.

I must say, it was just lovely having The Pretender to stay.  Several friends supportively applauded, some asking what I did to bring about Teen1's return to school and his apparent turning of the corner.  It did not take much thought for me to dispense these three (now redundant) observations (feel free though to give them a go!):

1. Tenacity: firstly, I refused to give up what I felt was best for my son, in this case to get him back to school, in a new environment in the hope that he would experience a clean start and fresh options. Despite being in touch with numerous community groups and support people, there are things I had to do and cope with and decide and fight for alone, according to my own unique set of beliefs.  It was lonely and hard.  But this was one important objective I would not let go of.   Secondly, I faced off with one of the Focker families: rightly or wrongly entering someone's home and emphatically telling them to back off, it had an impact.  It shut the door on T1 having a place to hang out all day.  (That and the fact that his mate had been arrested and was on a legally imposed curfew... kind of helped too).  Thirdly, I had a vision: a strong, powerful image of my father, who passed on many years ago.  It reminded me to stay firm, stay resolved, focus on my values, my positive vision, my belief in my son's ability and inherent goodness.  Believe me, this last comment is not 'rose tinted glasses' stuff:  it's just, I SEE him, and I think he'll be ok, one day.  In other words, "tenacity".


2.  Teach them well.  Be the change you want to see in the world.  It is from the parents they learn.  (Which means therapy for years for most of us... ).  But essentially, I have to hope that what they've learned from me will stick to the intsy bintsy part of their brain that is still functioning during their teens, and will help them to get through.  If not, and my boys don't make it, I hope someone reminds me of how I tried.

3.  Luck.  Prayer.  Faith.  The unknown.  Was it #1 and #2 above that brought about a short-lived change?  Or something beyond us all.  Definitely worth meditating on.


Unfortunately, the Pretender's moving out was taking place as I wrote my last post.  Not wanting to hope too much, or anticipate too soon that perhaps things were changing for the better, I waited four weeks until I could see and feel and witness change in Teen1, and felt confident enough to commit it to words on a public page.  A change that permeated the whole house and home.  A change that was commented on by T3, age 11, who unexpectedly said quietly to me, "you know Mum, I really think he's better and he's not so bad anymore."

Alas.  Ironically, within the hour of posting my last missive, there was a call from the school reporting his absence, and later in the night, a very stoned boy entered the house.  Being stoned is the lesser of the evils to deal with.  It is always the drug lows in the days after that are worse.  It's been one long spiral down for the last ten days.

I wonder if Bob is on the other side of these lyrics now, along with those of us who sang and swayed along to this song, shaking our heads that our parents just did not get it.  

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'



In support of all parents who are having to cope with these tenuous, unpredictable, sometimes crushingly painful times of parenting our teenagers.