Nigel Latta has a parenting tool (see the Ladder of Certain Doom tool, “LoCD”, in “Before your teenagers drive you crazy, read this!” ) reminiscent of my toddler’s toilet chart with jelly bean pictures on it : three pees in the pot and, hooray, a jelly bean for you. The LoCD is a rather more grown up version of that. The problem arises when the child has no respect for consequences of behaviour at all (very happy to pee way outside the pot), and no concept that consistent positive behaviour will result in rewards, not punitive action (jellybeans galore from mum).
Basically I set it up as follows:
| EXPECTATIONS |
| 1. Treat people and things with respect 2. Talk nicely to people 3. Help out around the house |
| THE LADDER OF EXPECTATIONS |
| Going down: 1. Things of yours taken off you 2. Lose opportunities to do stuff 3. Lose house privileges (washing done etc) 4. Lose the right to freedom of decisions (going out etc) |
| Going up: 1. Get your stuff back 2. With agreement/discussion, have opportunities to do stuff 3. Have stuff done again for you 4. Be trusted to make safe decisions for yourself |
Here’s how my Ladder of Certain Doom turned into the Slide of Gloom.
Step 1 on the LoCD.
What: Removing all the music from T1’s room when he failed to come home one recent school night.
Why: Listening to doof doof music extolling the culture of gangland America just doesn’t go down well for me at 7am in the morning, or any time of the day actually. Getting rid of it all served a dual purpose: If you don’t respect the boundaries = lose your stuff. And, taking it away meant no doof doof music for me to have to listen to. Nice.
Result: Music had been copied to a USB by Teen 1, and was plugged into the stereo USB port for him to listen to!
Note: When I was a teenager, and my parents didn’t like any of our music (apart from ABBA), I SWORE on the souls of my unborn children that I would let them listen to anything. This was before I heard some of Eminem, Lil Wayne, 50 Cent, Xzrbit, Wu-Tang Clan, Tupac, Snoop Dog, Nate Dogg, The Notorious, Nelly, NWA, Dr Dre….. . If African Americans want to refer to themselves as “n*****s” it’s over to them, but I remember when the word was loathed as a label of oppression, and – call me an uptight whatever - but I resent having to listen to rap extolling or putting down “otha f**king N*****s”.
I don’t mind rap. See!: ‘fully sick rap’.
Step 2 on the LoCD.
What: After the next all nighter, taking T1’s fave basketball boots and hiding them.
Why: So that he wouldn’t have any footwear to wear when he took off out into the night.
Result: I forgot about his older shoes under his bed, which he shucked on and headed out in again the next night. One angry teen.
Step 3 on the LoCD.
What: After T1 punched a hole in the wall in his room, graffiti’ed the bedside table, and pulled down all the framed photos of him as a toddler (not so surprising really for a 14 year old not to want baby photos on display in his room, I will grant him that), I removed the pictures of women in bikinis with big boobs from his walls.
Why: The younger boys and even more importantly their visiting young friends don’t have to look at said boobie posters any more. And, I feel equally entitled to redecorate my own house, including removal of said pictures (aren’t boys supposed to keep that stuff under their mattresses?).
Result: An angry boy. On the positive side: I don’t have to be reminded whenever I walk into his room of how good bikinis look on gorgeous, young (surgically enhanced and photo-shopped?) women.
Step 4 on the LoCD.
What: After his next all nighter, shutting down his bank account and removing access to money.
Why: So that he wouldn’t have access to money for drugs, smokes and booze.
Result: Threats to steal my stuff. Money went missing from my wallet, and my only bottle of Absolut Mandarin vodka (aka “mummy’s medicine”) took a walk in his bag to his mate’s place for some Saturday night binging. I just wish he’d taken the whisky I keep on hand for the rellies, instead of my fave vodka. Being on the receiving end of endless abuse for ‘stealing’ from him, I mumbled something about savings and responsibility, gave him back his money (less the cost of a replacement bottle of vodka), and two weeks later, he had spent the lot.
By this stage I was exhausted, and much like Teen 1, I felt like setting fire to the LoCD.
Conclusion:
The LoCD didn’t work for T1. It does for T3, but he’s still young. But when T1 doesn’t give a damn, or just gets even madder at losing his stuff, it is very hard to hold firm. I try, but it is really hard.
Why don’t I take away the stereo? It half belongs to his brother who likes listening at night to CDs, like “The Day My Bum Went Psycho” and other boy books full of fart jokes (I don’t deliver fart jokes as well as Andy Griffiths does).
May all parents do what they can to impose boundaries they believe in, in their own way, without sliding into Gloom. And sleep easy.
give the boy some headphones
ReplyDeleteDone! Took me a while to figure out the most simple things to make parenting sweeter...
ReplyDeleteAm I reading this right? - that your 14 year old is out late at night, has access to money and drinks hard liquor?
ReplyDeleteCan you stop money going into his bank account? That woulld dry things up pretty quick and a 14 year surely has no steady form of income. Just stop whoever puts it in there or divert it to your account aso you have control.
You can't sponge of your mates for long.
I took my son's money away, he discovered that he could sell Weed on the side (and now afford to smoke it)with the profits - so what now?
ReplyDeleteTwo choices:
ReplyDelete1. Do nothing. Which means nothing: no money, no access to it, no engagement with his actions. Nothing. His choices are his to make. Or:
2. He's breaking the law. Call it in. I know it is really hard: I spent time at the Police Station myself just this week. My police contact's advice was to call them about anything that contravenes my sense of safety: safety of self, of the house, of others. That can range from Teen1 abusing me, to using threats, to law breaking.
Tough love is just what it sounds like. Too often, the modern parenting style is to give our kids too many chances and too much leeway. If you don't want to condone this behaviour, and if you want to be true to your needs and boundaries, then call the police. Get him help for his drug use through these channels if you can. And stop the sale of drugs to other kids in the process.
All the best...