Seriously wrong

I’ve been quiet this last week as I’ve struggled with what to write. Several things have been going on, but the most recent event raises again for me the question of where the line should be drawn when it comes to privacy and intensely personal family matters. I do think there is a line, but if I post this, then I’ll have further defined where that line is, for me at least.

What transpired today has further challenged my parenting practice, and I’m still processing the event. This latest incident is another true example of what many parents, mainly mothers and predominantly single mothers are going through. So in the spirit of authenticity of my voice, while withholding some personal details, I’m posting this, with a view to supporting other mothers going through the same.

Every school holiday time, instead of relaxation and release from duty and routine, comes anxiety and conflict, as the children and I anticipate the arrival of the Ex to collect the children to spend some time with them. This holiday was no different. Except that Teen1 was adamantly refusing to go with his dad, which heightened the tension considerably. There’s lots of reasons and background to why T1 has taken this stance, reasons that go back into past history, and are not just a case of where T1 is at right at the moment.

I knew T1 was serious. I knew I couldn’t make him go. I also knew if I was complicit with T1 in supporting him to have the option of not going, the ire of the Ex would bear down with fury upon all of us. So, I talked about this over the last week with T1, gave him every encouragement and reason for spending time with his dad, explained potential consequences of his not going - and waited for the inevitable show down.

T2, the compassionate, caring son made quiet preparations to be picked up by his dad, but stuck close to T1’s side for much of the day. T3 had been in tears, and in a turmoil over the impending visit. (by now readers are probably asking why the heck the kids have to go. Fair question - there’s lots of reasons, not least that fathers have rights too to spend time with their children.).

With T2 and T3 out of harm’s way, the showdown between T1 (“I’m not going with you, I hate you, T3 cried all morning because he doesn’t want to go with you, you are a f*** etc etc”) and the Ex (“you will come with me right now, I don’t care what you say, get out the door now”) took place in slow motion.

There were several Observers that showed up all at the same time and all for fleeting seconds during which time they played a part in the unfolding action:

The Observer was the first on the scene: she stood in support of the son as first he then the father stated their demands. She observed in the father the beginnings of the loss of composure and control, she observed the simmering anger and rage, she observed the man she once loved unleash the beast within. She observed the son struggle to find the words to say his truth to his father. She observed her son as a young buck going up against the elder.

The Carer/Nurturer : she compassionately watched the son who was brave enough to stick around to tell his father himself that he would not go with him. She also understood the father’s perspective that he wanted to have his son with him. She saw that the father did not want to lose face or control of the situation as he needed it to unfold. She also saw that the son was angry and frightened and in her heart her intention was to calm the two adversaries.

The Rationalist: she accepted that the son would not leave with the father, and that it would be better to not push the matter, but let it go, and revisit the issue again in a day or two. A pragmatic solution she put into the escalating dialogue but which was ignored.

The Referee: in the ring with the fighters, she tried from a safe distance to break them apart as the father held the son held fast against a wall, both adversaries with fists pulled back and aimed square at the face of the other, feigning punches, pushing and shoving eachother, with tension rising and anger boiling.

The Voyeur: she was the one who was poised to call the police should the tussle continue or the father land a punch on the son, or visa versa.

The Controller: she remained calm while repeatedly ordering the father to let the son go and to get out of the house.

After the father left, the Mother was there to hold her son while he sobbed his heart out. He let himself be held, and has stayed close by me all evening.

I am glad that my son will sleep under my roof and my protection tonight.

Wishing all children and all parents peaceful and deep sleeps.