Then
Within two weeks, things had gone from bad to worse. I was trying to amass as much information as I could on guiding and coping with teenagers (see my earlier post on moving from blame to action). It was like searching through the road code while watching the car go off a cliff: useless to search a manual when there’s little that can be done to stop the car from crashing.
I asked myself repeatedly whether I was overreacting. My friends, particularly a couple of close male friends and family members, had by now witnessed the change in my 14 year old and were very concerned. We shared stories about what we'd been up to as teenagers – binge drinking, cannabis and other drug experimentation – which continued, for a few of my friends, into their 40s!
But it was about more than teen experimentation for me. T1 was 14 with his brain in the intensive development phase. He had given the figurative fingers to the rather generous boundaries I was beginning to offer him, and showed no self-responsibility for his actions or any care for the consequences. He had decided that he had no obligation to tell me where he was going, who he was with, where he would be, or what time he would be home. He was in the top academic stream at school, his grades dropped right off, he was wagging school and hanging out with kids who were already in deep trouble. When he did come in, he was so obviously 'blazed' while hotly denying it. He was demanding trust but the terms "accountability" and "responsibility" where white noise to him.
One night, waiting for him to come home, I opened up a package that had been sent me from a drug and alcohol counselling agency. In it was a DVD, entitled “Bewildered”, put out by ALAC . Check it out – it is free and it tells of several families’ experiences with alcohol and drug abuse (in NZ call 0800 787 797 for a copy). I found it tough viewing – it was like looking into a room that I didn’t want to enter, but was being pushed from behind and I knew it was inevitable that I had to cross the threshold.
At the end of the “Bewildered” DVD I was exhausted and not a little sad. In my diary after watching it I wrote:
“I don’t want to be that person, that parent telling those heart-wrenching stories about their addict child. I don’t WANT this for my son. If he becomes a regular user, an addict, or if he gets into crime, it is the end of the broad and wide-open road of opportunities for him. There is so, SO much he could do and be… this HURTS more than I could ever have imagined to see him choosing this path so young and so vulnerable. I will do anything to help him to turn this around. Please come home.”
I see that diary entry now and I read: Denial. Supposition. Irrationality. Bargaining. Pleading.
All of these are normal but ultimately energy sapping approaches. It is a heroic protestation for mothers to say “I would throw myself in front of a truck for you”. What this suicide mission means in reality is that we will fight for our children - but it is likely to be in ways that are hard to envisage. Not least, the teenagers don't want us to go anywhere near their 'truck' least of all try to take the wheel or, worse, throw ourselves in front of it.
In my case, 'throwing myself at the truck' involved building networks, informing myself, connecting with some parents, ensuring the school was working with me, interviewing counsellors, texting my son’s friends, demanding other parents not provide a venue for my child to smoke dope.
A key message in the “Bewildered” DVD was for parents to practice DETACHMENT. (An oxymoron I thought: to practice ‘parenting with detachment’.)
But this advice holds some gentle wisdom. The DVD concludes with these words:
“In the end we realise that the only solution is to look after ourselves, have zero tolerance for their destructive behaviours and love them with caring detachment. We genuinely hope that … you are able to begin the move from pain and bewilderment to a lighter place of acceptance and self-care. We must let go or it kills us! “
Letting go and practicing loving detachment is part of a process, and I am still working through it. The faster this state of being is reached the better. At least then I might get a decent sleep.
Wishing you YOUR deep and peaceful sleep.
No comments:
Post a Comment