Family Interventions - beware hidden hypocrisies

Sunday
I decided to employ some shock tactics and call in the family druggie.  In the process, we were shown a graphic disincentive for drug use. 

He – Sam - is a recovering narcotics addict, who has full custody of his teenage children, has a new partner, and a baby daughter, and he offered to come over and talk to my boy.  

Sam’s story is heartbreaking and redemptive; he’s been sexually abused; raped; estranged from and then reconciled with his family; taken a rap with the law; battled with drugs and seen many of his teen and early adult friends jailed or dead from drug abuse; got himself clean; saw his ex-partner ruin her life from drug use; has a new caring partner; and is thriving as a beautiful man seeking joy and empowerment and healing in life with his daily practice of acceptance and self belief.  

We arranged Sunday lunch and an intervention ambush/family meeting, following yet another of Teen1’s all nighters.

Sam’s gentleness and compassion for Teen1 was moving; his powerful questions about T1’s needs and wants should be written up as a template for all youth counsellors; his hard core explanations of what drugs temporarily provided him and what the drugs took away from him were raw and real; his detailing of the boundaries he puts in place for his children sounded fair and reasonable; his prompting of T1 to think about the effect he’s having on his younger brothers….made my tears well up. 

Sam’s son, the same age as T1, took over when his father had finished talking.  He told T1 that he goes to parties, he has a curfew of midnight, he texts his dad where he’s going, he doesn’t go out every weekend or stay out all night, but he still has fun and lots of mates…

On the surface of it, it was the family intervention every despairing mother would hope for – someone else who loves her child stepping in with their love and compassion to provide support and as well as give the hard core experiential lessons.

To his credit, T1 sat through it all.  

He made only one comment to me after the intervention – “Don’t you think it’s fucking hypocritical to make me listen to all that crap when I’ve seen his kid getting trashed at parties, and he’s told me his dad smokes dope?”

Bugger.

I feel crushed, naïve and even more guilty.  I thought I was getting a powerful message delivered by someone close that might turn my boy away from his avowed intention to do drugs, and temper his arrogance regarding consequences.  Sunday was supposed to be a well intentioned and well executed family intervention full of love and strong messages from someone who lives every day with the consequences of his bad choices.  Instead it was blown to bits by the allegation of adult use of illegal drugs: don’t do as I do, do as I say….  

Whether its true or not, and I suspect in hindsight it is true, T1’s comment provides a lesson.  Parents, in a hyper state of concern to be good role models, still have to consider their own behaviour where it is excessive: whether that is the chardonnay charged Friday nights with friends at the kitchen bench, too many beers at the rugby, the occasional joint, talking on the mobile in the car, swearing, leaving our dirty laundry on the floor … our hyper alert teens see all our little and large hypocrisies.  And they process and exaggerate them with finesse and at will to support their own behaviours or arguments.

So what was the graphic disincentive for drug using? Sam showed us where all his teeth have rotted or fallen out as a result of being a long-term methadone user.  T1 was suitably grossed out.  

Will it be just that one image that will deter him?  The one image that will sneak into his mind, into the still developing part of his brain that processes risk and consequences, and that will have him go on to be sensible around drug use?  Was it worth it or not to embark on this particular intervention?  I really don’t know and I still feel crap about where it went wrong.  At least I tried.

Wishing all parents a worry-free sleep.