It's been a long time between blog posts, and a lot has happened lately in this journey of parenting this particular Teenager.
There is gold in every event if you choose to look for it. I’m going to post a summary of key events since December, and some reflections on them in hindsight: I have mined for the gold in each of them. And maybe the stories will help others either gain another perspective on their family situation, or, learn from my mistakes! Good luck…
EVENT #1: FAMILY GROUP CONFERENCE
Before sentencing, the Youth Court released Teen1 on various conditions, including a curfew, bailed to my home address, no drug or alcohol consumption, and possible random alcohol breath testing. Another of these was that he attend a FGC.
Social Workers strongly advise that both parents are present at FGC and that both bring support people. Up until the morning of the FGC, my Ex had indicated that he would teleconference into the meeting.
As it was, the meeting occurred when I was into day 4 of my hospital admission and in no fit state to attend anything. It was decided that two close family members would attend on my behalf. Some hours before the meeting, my Ex arrived unexpectedly from overseas. From what I heard, it was not a particularly pleasant meeting.
GOLD: Let others step in to help
I had to let go. I was forced, in fact, by Mother Nature to accept that my presence or otherwise was not going to affect any outcome. In the end, I was hugely relieved not to have been there: I was worn out by trying to manage everything alone – and look where it got me: in a hospital bed. Handing over responsibility to others was challenging, but unavoidable.
SUB EVENT #2:
As a result of my Ex turning up unexpectedly, the alternate bail address the Court demanded became my Ex's, or rather his sister's address where he stays when in town.
MORE GOLD: unexpected events result in unexpected outcomes
Ironically, T1’s arrest and bail conditions meant that he could not insist on staying at home while I was away, as the Court had decreed otherwise.
I was worried about T1 being at home while I was in hospital, and I had no solution to this problem. T1 had a longstanding offer to stay with family on a farm in Central Otago and work through there, and another family member in town offered to have him stay. He had refused to go to either, of course preferring the run of the house in my absence.
T1 by default ended up with his father, which would, eventually, bring about a complete change in our living arrangements.
SUB EVENT #3:
While I was in hospital, T1 took the spare key to my car and drove it for a few days. His terrible parking gave him away. In the end, it was a family member who saw him driving down the street and pulled him over. Luckily, this happened before he was pulled up for being an unlicensed driver, or for causing worse harm. (typical teenager?!… in other circumstances, he might get a dressing down and grounded for a while, but on top of everything else on his card: it was not a great move on his part!).
MORE GOLD: Live in a small town/ It takes a village to raise a child
My brother took charge, managed to persuade the man whose car was ‘bumped’ when T1 pulled over not to press charges, and he dealt with the spare key issue. Car returned, noone hurt. I didn’t have to deal with it, or at least not on my own.
EVENT #2: COURT SENTENCING
The Court dismissed the charges. Teen1 had compiled with bail conditions. The Judge talked with him about T1’s options, he encouraged continuing education and questioned him about his plans. T1 was polite and said what he needed to say. The Judge told him that after years on the bench, he’s seen too many young men regretful for having given up their education early, and for their behaviour. He told T1 he didn’t want to see him again in Court.
GOLD: Punitive measures don’t always work, but leniency comes with a responsibility to do better.
T1 has been given another chance. I hope he uses it wisely.
Next posts to come – updates on home and school….
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