Then and Now

My, how things change. Me: green. Teen1: blue

THEN (April 2010 to present)	NOW (December 2010)
“I think one or two dances a term is enough, you don’t need to go to everything.”	“Are you off to that dance tonight?”
“It is entirely reasonable, acceptable and respectful for you to ask permission to go out, tell me where you are going and who with, accept that I will talk to the parents, I will come and get you, you need to be home at the agreed time.”	“I’m going now.” “Where to?” “Dunno. Bye” “Bye”
“There’s no need to be out late during the school week; in summer maybe when it’s lighter, but get your homework done and get your sleep.”	What time did you get in last night? If you are going to go out every night of the week, don’t ask me to ring you in absent on a school day.
“If you walk out this door, I will track you down, call your friends and I will find you.” And I did.	I don’t.
“If you are not home by 11pm, I will call your friend’s parents.” And I did.	I don’t.
“If you are not home by 1am, I will call your friend’s parents.” And I did	I don’t.
“If you are not home by 2am, I will call the police.” And I did.	I don’t. But I might.
“No, you are not going out”	“Can you at least have the courtesy of telling me where you are going?”
“Where are you going, you need to talk to me, what do you need, is there something I can do, do you realize the implications of your actions, you need to take responsibility for your actions, consequences have to be faced, your life could be so much easier, I will do whatever I can to support you, if you don’t want to live here you can go to your father, stop treating this house and your family with such disrespect, what would be a solution to this situation, can you tell me what you want…. “SHUT UP”	“I’m here if you need me.” I love you .
2am Tropical Escape muffin baking	Couplands on the way home from work
3am housework	List of household chores for each boy
All night waiting up.	Writing blog posts into the night… paying bills, and actually getting a lot done…
Counselling for Teen1	Counselling for me
Him: Stealing alcohol	Me: Don’t buy to store any alcohol. Buy to drink it instead.
7.00 – 8.30am Mon-Fri, 10 minute intervals “Time to wake up… you need to get up now…Come on… you have to get out of bed now… For goodness sake, get up… no you are not sick… I mean now… I mean NOW… get out of your bed… you have to have to have to have to have to have to…”	7.00 – 8.30am Mon-Fri 7am: “Time to get up.” 8.20am: “I’m leaving for work now.” (occasional loss of cool and a frustrated shouting match in sheer exasperation)
(phone call from High School) “oh hello, Mr X… oh my gosh, no… I didn’t know, this is dreadful… what can we do… I think we need to… of course I’ll come in to meet you … let me talk to Teen1… of course… this is terrible… I am so worried… I will do (this), I will do (that), how can I (whatever)….	(phone call from High School) “Hi, Mr X. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll do what I can. I’ll get back to you. ”
A little pocket money for doing very little	No pocket money
He applied for debit card on bank account.	All his savings gone.
Connecting with Fockers, building networks, engaging with other parents	Disengagement from Fockers. Scaffolding own support from friends and family. Shamefully very rude to one Focker who was worried the week T1 had the ‘flu, cos she hadn’t seen him at her house for a few days and was worried he might have harmed himself. (feeling a tad guilty about my loss of cool)
Texting T1s friends at 2am to find out where he is.	Send him one final text around 11 or 12 telling him I expect him home, then don’t look at my phone again.
Dragging T1 out of Focker households in the middle of the school day, and middle of the night. Driving the streets looking for him.	I go to work during the day. I go to bed at night.
“Do you realize your potential to achieve whatever you want… you have so much potential… we want you to achieve and be the best you can be.” “Stop fucking talking to me about my potential.”	“Ok. So long as you know if you don’t go to school you limit your options. It’s your choice. I know what you are capable of and I hope you find what makes you happy.”
Drugs: “Why…Don’t… bad choice… addiction… ruin your life… don’t make the wrong turn…scientific proof shows… drug scene ugliness…talk to me about this… I can find help for you…” “I just fucking like it ok? You don’t know anything, it doesn’t do any of that shit to my brain…”	“Your choice. Your life. You know the risks. Bring drugs into this house, I will call the police and I mean it.” “ My mate and I have decided not to do that shit anymore during the week.”
11,12pm,1, 2am “are you wasted?... I’m not stupid you know… any more of this and I will check you in to a rehab centre…”	11,12pm,1, 2am “I am pleased you are home safely.”
Seek advice from every agency	Continue to seek solutions, or create ones collaboratively with school or alternative school receptive to change and remodeling interactions.
Support school’s solutions as being the only option.	Present alternative view points relevant to son’s unique situation.
Post: In the Beginning July 26 2010 ” I will not be six months down the track from today, and facing a worse case scenario, wish I had talked to (support agencies), or found the information and the resources I needed, only for it to be, by then, too late.”	December 2010 It is never too late to do anything for your teenager. Never. I know that I did what I could in the circumstances. I could have done more. And less. I was sometimes right and sometimes wrong. I made good and not so good decisions. I am satisfied I stuck to my values. I am accepting of letting Teen1 go. I won’t ever stop parenting. But I give myself permission to walk away when it is necessary in the moment to do so.