Triumvirate: School - Student - Parent

This coming week heralds the end of the high school year. Whew. I’m shattered.

How different this year has been from what I assumed it would be this time last year. The Principal of Teen1’s High School gave a memorable speech at last year’s Year 9 presentation assembly. I didn’t realise then, how much I’d come to reflect on, and have to action, some core elements of his message over 2010.

He talked about a three-way partnership being necessary in raising our boys to be men of the future. He directed some hard-hitting comments to the parents: his core message was “partnership within the community to support our sons’ academic achievement”. (An excerpt of his speech is at the end of the blog, so I can get my say in without losing my reader!)

Academic achievement is important to me, but so is growing healthy young men, and I am taking the liberty of transposing his comments into this wider goal. (We’ve all read Celia Lashlie, right?).

Partnership with the school and teachers is what has got me through to the end of this year without seeing my son expelled. I will limp through this last week, the clock ticking, hoping not to get a phone call telling me otherwise.

I wonder if schools too easily give up on kids and send them on their way. Some of my blog readers tell me of their children getting expelled from school. They are sent on to the neighbouring school: yours, or mine probably. It's a big swapping exercise.

If schools were more resourced to work cooperatively with parents, with professional back up, support, mentoring, and internal alternate programmes, maybe partnership would yield more results: the core aim being the retention and transition of our kids who are struggling so they complete to an appropriate level some kind of qualification. I speak here without doing any research (beyond reading almost every book on parenting I can find) on alternative education.

The problem in the partnership equation, is that for many parents to be icons of positive parenting - to say ‘no’ to our kids, to put boundaries in place that are meaningful, value-based, achievable, reinforceable and respected, or to take the hard stand to support them when they are a force to be reckoned with – all this requires reinforcing skills and resources for parenting, as well as a much deeper understanding of exactly how much we can and can’t control: when to ‘let it be’.

It requires an understanding of the social constructs; teenage physical, mental and emotional growth; behavioural and psychological norms. It requires time, sometimes money, and certainly education and support. It requires the silencing of ‘Society’s snarl’ which tells us all the time how we, The Parents, aren’t doing it well enough, why we should feel guilty, blameful, fearful, implying others are doing it perfectly… all these things that conspire to add to a sense that we are failing as parents if our kids fall out, or choose to do bad stuff. Media, politicians, social commentators, community workers often convey directly or indirectly that the Parents are getting it wrong. “Where were the parents when the kids were (fill in the blank)?” “The parents should have had more control.” The parents this… the parents that… (outraged indignation and condemnation).

It really, really grates me. Where was I when my son was out I don’t know where, until 2am? Baking bloody Tropical Escape Muffins (post of August 9) to keep my agitation at bay. Going quietly nuts wondering what I could do next. Building networks. Searching streets. Phoning people. Crashing into houses (gosh, what an eventful year). I wasn’t doing nothing.

If you are reading this blog, you have not failed as a parent. But, you might need some help getting through this, and to look for help (for you, for him, for her) is a good thing.

Just as workers in many schools and organisations are provided with training and development workshops, parents also need the same to be able to run the Family effectively.

Until they have those resources and opportunities for Parental and Personal Development and Up-skilling, far too may parents will be up at 2am wondering what the hell is going wrong. Others of them, like some Fockers, will have decided long ago, or will not know any differently because of their own experiences, that the effort just isn’t worth it – but maybe if many had new skills, offered through schools, they might not feel so disempowered. I believe that change is always possible and absolutely necessary. Others may not engage with the same level of intensity that I obviously am which is their choice. But the readers of this blog are telling me that they want help with the answers, and they are ready to be partners with the community in this. It takes a village... and so maybe the triumvirate partnership (parent, school, student) has to be strengthened in new ways.

I’m still learning Parenting. But, I’m content being me with my conflicted son, doing what I can even if it is only and simply to be here for him to come home to, with compassion and love in my heart. That’s on top of the list of parenting skills, surely. I’m currently building up an armory of key skills for parents who are going through difficulties (applicable for all parents) which I’ll share in forthcoming posts. There are some workshops in the pipeline too for those who may be interested… I’d love to meet and support others out there. Let me know if you are interested – it could be the start of something new.

Here’s an excerpt from the Principal’s Year 9 school speech, which I do think has some thought provoking comments:

“Academic achievement is a partnership. It is a partnership between teacher, student and parent. My fear is that too often the responsibility for academic achievement is placed solely at the feet and on the shoulders of the teachers and the school. The truth is there are three chief parties. Teacher. Student. Parent. And they must all combine their energies for student academic achievement to be fully realised. Any one in isolation will be unsuccessful. Any two combining together has potential but does not guarantee success. All three working together, pulling in the same direction will generate academic achievement.

I am going to be really frank with you. One of my greatest disappointments this year, and one of my greatest frustrations, has been the unwillingness of some parents, probably a few of whom are here tonight, to stand up and make the hard decisions in the interests of their son’s education. The two most important jobs in the world, from my biased perspective, are teaching and parenting. We have responsibility for one, but we have no control over the other….

To raise student academic achievement, as professionals, we must expect more from our students and ourselves. We have and we will continue to raise the bar but the bottom line is that that alone won’t be enough.

As parents we must expect more from ourselves and from our sons.

We must make a stand for them even when sometimes it feels like we are standing against them.

We must be willing to say no even though noone else seems to be.

We must be willing to put in place boundaries even when noone else seems to do it.

We must be willing to support the school even though the path of least resistance for us is to support our children.

Only together can we really raise student academic achievement… to the levels our young men are capable of attaining. That is a challenge for all of us to accept and embrace…”

My wish is that society does embrace that challenge and understands what the challenge actually involves committing to, so that we have a much healthier and wealthier society. Society is each individual doing their best, as we parents are doing right now. As I am doing, waiting again tonight for my son to come home, so late, far too late yet again. Sleep easy…