Consequences - when do we learn?!

The term ‘consequences’ is a much maligned word in my home. My children physically blanch if I use the word. I’ve had cause to reflect on this word, and on matters of crime and punishment quite frequently over the last term.

As a (occasional) member of the kapa haka group, Teen1 had an opportunity to attend the Manu Korero Māori secondary schools’ speech competition that was being held in Dunedin. Over 800 students from around the country attended. It is a two-day showcase of all that is aspirational, inspirational and forward focused for our young people. My son was not permitted by the school to attend.

Normally, I would have accepted a consequence being set by the school. I had in August accepted that he was not allowed to go with his rugby team to the South Island representative games. He had missed practices because of detentions; this led to a distance between him and the team; his general decline behaviourally and physically over winter had added to his disengagement, and he decided ( against my wishes) that he wanted to drop out of the team. I went along with the decision of the school to deny him the chance to represent the school in his former chosen sport.

But the Manu Korero incident rankled me, and I had to spend some time working out why and whether I had good reason for it to do so.

I kept coming back to my instinctive feeling: that he should have been allowed to go. This was an opportunity to support one’s classmates, to be exposed to other kids - hundreds of them - who are achieving, who do have focus, who wear their uniforms with pride, who wear their deep sense of Self with even greater pride and mana. This was a chance for kids like my son, who are a bit lost, to bear witness to their peers’ efforts, to what it means to work hard and most importantly, to represent family, whānau, community and school. The students who make it to this competition come with more than just academic achievement behind them. Most come with the expectations and legacy of their elders supporting them and this is what shines through as they make speeches that resound with the passion, intellect and dedication reminiscent of some of our great orators. These young people truly are that good.

For me, it was about more than just going to this particular event. For some kids, like my son, once they start going off the rails, opportunities become limited. That’s understood and largely accepted for society to function: do the crime, do the time etc. There is so much out there to support the best of the best, to provide scholarships to those who excel, and many wonderful opportunities for so many children to join in and have a go. I’ve just finished reading the teenage version of “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and I applaud all the young people and their enormous successes profiled in that book, but, if I have to digest another chicken soup story any time soon, I’m scared I might choke.

I wonder if punishment should be put to one side occasionally, and the access to potential inspirational activities for “derailed kids” could be allowed? That is, have faith that they will rise to the occasion. Letting them go isn't a reward. It is an opportunity to effect change. I’ve mentioned in previous posts my search to find or create alternative options for kids who have potential (they all do of course), who are not ‘offenders’ by law, but who are kicking back at authority and limiting their options.

Manu Korero was a benign opportunity to expose my son, and a couple of others who also missed out, to an event that may have had a positive effect on him. It may have been a leap of faith to let him go, but someone has to leap across the chasm that is widening between him and positive, inspirational role modelling.

I did contact the school and expressed my views. I was heard and acknowledged. I skirted the fine line of not being one of ‘those’ parents ie: not demanding, or overbearing, but communicating a reasoned argument on the basis that it was of direct relevance to my son and could add to his building a positive attitude towards the school for his remaining years there (the universe being willing).

What I have now is a boy who learned the haka, wanted to participate, but was not allowed to attend. This has heightened even more his sense of disaffection with the school. Then in supposed retaliation, the little blighter (there’s an old fashioned word!) wagged school the afternoon of the event. Honestly! When will he learn that aggravation is not the answer???

What do you think? Should authority figures sometimes make an exception to misdemeanors and, with an eye on the distant future for our kids, instead of limiting opportunity, create it for them? Is this what we need to demand more of in our schools/ society? Is it realistic to do so?

Supporting all parents who follow their intuition to question school dictates occasionally – for the right reasons.