EVENT #4: SCHOOL’S OUT!
The High School decided they would not have Teen1 back.
I was not surprised by the decision, but, I was devastated. It was the end of the road – correction: the end of ONE road, but a road I had so hoped he’d stay on for the next few formative years.
He had burned too many bridges and lost a lot of goodwill at the school by offending too many people too often. He had shown no remorse for or understanding of his actions, but even if he had, I am not sure it would have been a safe move by the school to allow him back anyway. There were no guarantees or indications of a change in behaviour coming from him. The school took the courageous step, and I know from my time spent with the Principal, it was made having explored options, worked on strategies and generally having done the best they could for him. He had been shown occasional leniency, as well as some strong boundaries over the short time he attended the school. He self-sabotaged his opportunities for success at school, and I hope this won't continue to be a pattern for him.
In sum, 2011 wasn’t a great one for T1’s resumé: expelled from two schools; minimal credits at NCEA Level 1; arrested then dismissed for possession charges; and in the same week as being expelled and in Court, his mother tells him he can’t live at home given the lack of improvement in his behaviour and attitude.
That’s pretty heavy stuff for a 16 year old. Certainly, it just about did my head in.
That’s the gist of the specific events. In the background, there was a new 'power and control' game unfolding that I was not aware of, as well as some significant heartache as I saw my son go - more on that later.
THE GOLD
Without enough credits for Polytech, and no employment, there was one opportunity that re-presented itself. The School suggested T1 apply to get into the “Service Academy”.
Service Academies are Ministry of Education funded programmes, delivered under the managerial auspices of the School Board and Principal, but with a separate campus (adjoining the School in this case), separate classes, independent teachers and a strong physical component. This Academy has a Director appointed who is a former British army man. The Academies are aimed at Year 12 and 13 students who have ‘disengaged’ from school. The Academy aims to keep students engaged in learning, help them improve their qualifications, and prepare them for the workforce, for further training, and potentially for a career in the armed services.
Twice in the last 18 months in my search for alternatives for T1, I had spoken to the Academy, but at those times, he did not qualify (age restriction, and too late for orientation).
This time, he got in. Ironically, despite not allowing him back for the mainstream school programme, the School still has him on their books.
But more than that, he agreed to go. This was a breakthrough, a significant advance - and one that a friend suggested I should credit my Ex for achieving.
That was an interesting, unexpected perspective. I struggled with the concept that after years of single parenting and doing all I could, suddenly this development was to be seen as a credit to T1's father.
I am, however, mining for gold, so, yes, it was fortunate T1's Dad followed up on the opportunity and took T1 to enrol (is that credit enough?! I really don't want to crawl over broken glass!). I must say that it was, however, T1's decision alone to step forward into the opportunity, and as his parents, our contribution was to take him where he needed to go. He had this one definitive option left: and he took it. Whew.
Back to THE GOLD: I’m pleased for T1, delighted that he’s enrolled in something that gives him a reason to get up each day and that he has boundaries around his day. Finally, I am utterly relieved that for now, today, he's not on the streets.
There is gold in everything and I'm working hard to mine it.
Next posts: Out in the cold - the swiftness of the transition between daily contact with my child..... and being cut right off.
I am proud of you Grizzly Momma.Way to go to by sticking to your guns. Please keep your sanity intact by reminding yourself that you may be saving his life in the long run, by getting him into this safe and structured residential school environment. You have other teens in the house coming up the pipeline that need to see you making a stand. Showing what is on and not on under your roof.
ReplyDeleteI've recently read your entire blog, Claire, after being pointed to it by a friend. I just wanted to tell you that I too have been going through similar things here in the United States, although my son is never anything but polite and respectful. Still: the squandering of opportunities; the waste of an exceptional intelligence; arrest for drug possession; having to tell my son that if he didn't stop using, he would have to leave our home; embarrassment and shame and stress and fear and constant anxiety for me. Only another parent going through it really understands, and for writing about it, I thank you.
ReplyDeleteHi US Mom - I thank you humbly for your acknowledgement and your honesty in return.
ReplyDeleteIf we take the situation on as if it were of our doing, then yes, I think we bring on our embarrassment and shame and stress. Which is somehow, not quite right, and it is so exhausting, don't you think?
Fear and anxiety come from our mind projecting concerns for what might befall our child. Shame and stress are inwardly corrupting of our personal self-belief and wise woman self.
I know it, I've felt it, and I still do. But somehow, I try to keep the faith that I've done my best and, therefore, shame and embarrassment are emotions that only serve to hurt me.
How would it be to turn the shame into compassion, and the stress into acceptance?
- I bring compassion into my heart to heal my wounds as a mum who has seen her son go down a rocky road.
- I bring acceptance into my every day living that I have done my best and all will be well.
And then, how would it be to counter the embarrassment with honesty?
- Yes, my son has been so awful in his behaviour that I had to ask him to leave home/ he's dropped out of school/he's in rehab/(fill in the blanks...).
Such honesty about what is happening gives no power to anyone to judge, least of all that corrupting internal critic, and it deflates embarrassment.
It just is what it is. Does that make sense? I hope so!!
wishing you well
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