Auction: uniforms

Buy, sell, exchange – school uniforms

New Listing:

Suggest a ‘uniform swap box’ be started, for students shuffling from one school to the next. Some urgency involved. Prepared to do pick- ups from wider provincial area.

Excellent value, as new:

Senior School blazer, worn 26 days

V neck vest, blue, 26 wears, size 112cm

Blue long sleeve shirt, 2XL (x3)

Black long men’s dress pant, 92cm (x2)

School tie, as new

Sold or exchanged for senior boys’ uniform from any other school that has recently excluded/expelled boys.

Lonely Planet : Guide for Parents (18 March)

Lonely Planet Guide to parenting after having a child kicked out of school: The Do’s and Don’ts for survival on the lonely “excluded” planet:

o Act early. I’d already been to some other schools late last year, so I had an idea of what other options for schooling I had in my area. If your child is not doing well at school now, find out other options before it’s too late. Knowing this and having an idea of what you want for your child helps when you have little time at a stressful time to give preferences to the MoE. If indeed you have options: some schools in NZ are so remote, children excluded by the BoT have nowhere else to go.

o Let the MoE do their thing in contacting alternative schools. Process is process; bureaucracy and systems are set up for a reason. Schools don’t want to hear from the parents; they are in a lottery for expelling and having to re-enroll other expelled kids, and this cohort of student is certainly not their target group.

o Be pleasant to bureaucrats. They are just doing their job.

o Get help and support for yourself as a parent. There’s free community counseling available and it is invaluable. You need to talk to someone, not in your family or circle of friends. Whatever the reason for your child’s exclusion/expulsion, there has to be a separation between you and the child, particularly for you to develop your own inner strength and ability to cope.

o Get information. If action is your thing (as it is so exhaustingly mine), then call and talk to support services, and ask them to refer you on to others.

o Focus on solutions. You need someone you connect with who will work with you to find a solution that is in your child’s interests, who sees past the ‘situation’ and who looks to the child, not just at the crime, for answers.

o Stop. Sleep. (I haven’t much lately, but it’s good advice).

It has been challenging and confronting to witness the clanging of doors shutting in my son’s seemingly unbothered face. Even though his planet is out of alignment with mine, I still believe the key thing is to try to find points of connection, ways to bring his planet into connection with the family’s. Food helps.

Lonely Planet : Guide for Parents (16 March)

Going through the processes for rehabilitating a child to a new school under exclusion circumstances was a bit like (for me) being on a new planet that orbits Planet Normal.

The legal process following an exclusion (specific to children under the age of 16) is set down by the “Education (Stand-down, Suspension, Exclusion and Expulsion) Rules 1999. The Rules are set out in accordance with Sections 13-18 of the Education Act (1989).

1. The school advises the Ministry of Education (MoE) about the BoT decision.

2. A MoE official is charged with finding another school for the child.

3. You are informed of a school/s that is willing to accept the child.

4. There’s a meeting with the receiving school and enrolment goes ahead.

5. Child starts new school, with a clean slate and goes on to become a model student, achieves to his or her full potential, engages in numerous opportunities offered by the school and wider community, has fun, makes new friends, and leaves school with a clear vision of the pathways ahead for living a life on purpose, with fulfillment and success. The whole sordid incident of getting kicked out of school is left behind. (sic)*

The MoE explained that in looking for a school, the parents’ preferences would be taken into account but that it was ultimately the decision of the MoE to find a school. On meeting a Principal, it would be an interview to see if the school wanted the student, and not the student/parent seeking information about the school: “quite the contrary in fact”. According to the MoE, the circumstances were such that parents had few rights, if any, to choose a school.

Hearing this, my planet shot out of orbit from the gravitational force that was the safety of Planet Normal, as I was in a new realm of limited options. So if parents can not make contact with any school, not even to get the information needed to inform a preference for one school over another how do they find out: does it offer the same subject options? pastoral care? social and sporting options? what was the culture of the school? single sex or co-ed? Doing nothing isn’t my forté, so I found a loophole in this (seemingly hostile) directive: I would contact schools outside town, including boarding schools, and explore those options.

Here’s where I learned a lesson in humility and futility. Calling six boarding schools around the country, I got a shot of:

- Cold hard reality: being turned down without getting much past the introductory comments (I’m not used to this happening).

- Shame: in having to say, “my son was excluded for smoking drugs during school time.” Talk about banging my head against the same wall over and over again…

- Inner strength: staying on purpose when putting the situation out in the open, or ‘airing the dirty laundry’, with the goal of finding some school that might be a fit for him.

- A disingenuous and calculated stealth I didn’t know I possessed: in trying to elicit as much information about the school’s ethics and values, enrolment criteria and availability of places before having to disclose why I was wanting to move my child.

- Confirmation: that this stupid action of my son’s will close doors all around him in the short, and possibly medium term.

- Humiliation: hearing the sometimes condescending tone of the gatekeepers at some schools, which rubbed the raw wounds of my broken parenting aspirations.

I scribbled on my notepad in bold letters, “What would YOU say to the mother of a drug excluded kid?” and there’s a lot of bold rings around the question. It was a rhetorical question and a reminder to put myself in the shoes of those I was contacting.

Despite reaching out to map the way forward, there’s a lonely place that I’ve wandered through and spent some time in lately. And in that lonely place, there’s a lot of learning to bring back to planet normal.

footnote: (sic*) I made this bit up.......

Expelled: A new beginning

From all changes, something good will come....

Teen1 was expelled today.

Drugs at school are illegal, so the Board did what it had to do.

Thanks to readers for sharing their experiences.

I am completely and utterly shattered. And I am feeling less than positive, so that's it from me for now.

To the five other families who appeared before the BoT today, I send prayers for recovery and new beginnings for you and your sons.

Preparation #2

These meetings must take place all the time. There are approximately 350 secondary schools in NZ, with, let’s say on average, 4 Trustees per Board: that’s 1400 NZ parent trustees. There are approximately 4,000 suspensions per annum in NZ, which conservatively means 3,500 meetings of the Boards of Trustees, involving about the same number of families. Plus there are the teachers, principals, counselors, community workers, extended family and friends of the students - that’s a lot of us out there involved in these meetings.

So, what happens? What do Boards take into account across a general range of issues they have to deal with? Is there a standard set of guidelines for submission outlines? Should there be? Are they fair? Regulated? Reported on and audited? (I’ve probably missed reading the BoT reports in the last couple of years). I’ve spoken with a few people who have been Trustees, but have yet to talk direct to someone who has sat on a Board and made decisions about exclusions and expulsions from schools. I guess I’ll meet a few tomorrow.

Some readers have emailed me to tell me they have been called to appear before a BoT meeting, and I’d love more information about what their experiences are, which if you agree to it, I’ll post for others to learn from. Other readers are teachers and principals – please do post a comment which might help parents attending these hearings.

My next thought goes to the students: it must be terrifying for some or many of the 4,000 young people who have each had to go into a room, where there is most likely an imbalance of power, and tell their story. Today, I sat with my son at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation day centre interview and watched him struggle to tell his story. Such was the competence, experience, firm gentleness, expert questioning and professionalism of the counselor, that she did give him the space to express some of his thoughts around what’s happening for him. It was brief, but revealing and painful to hear. He was also there unwittingly (truth be told, I kidnapped him and didn’t tell him where we were going until we got there… ).

If we can think back to our own teenage anxieties and fears, then just imagine what it is like for a child experiencing (extreme) adolescent behavioural indicators, fronting up to a Board of Trustees and the School Principal and having to say something to support his own case. Remembering too that his brain is fried: to quote Nigel Latta - “teenagers : they’re just not right in the head”. And yet, they are supposed to express remorse, and offer solutions and reveal what they are going to do differently. Some will be able to do this. Others won’t. Their empathy gene hasn’t arrived; their prefrontal cortex reasoning ability is askew; there’s an onset of psychopathology affecting self regulation…. Again, “they’re just not right in the head”. I doubt many adults can argue their own defence in court without coaching. I haven’t thought of how to support teens in all this as I’m just starting to think in depth about this whole process.

I’m over preparing myself for the meeting tomorrow, but that is my way of doing things. I will, though, simplify things down to a few key points:

1. I’m there to be an advocate for my son

2. What I know about my son, adolescent changes, and our collective responsibility

3. A future perspective: what the options look like.

This approach is unique to my son’s situation, and it won’t fit all situations, families, belief systems or values. But it is a starting point if needed by anyone, including each of the three other families going before the same Board tomorrow at the same school?!

I’m also preparing a template guide for students: something to help them prepare what they might say. I think they and their families should have something to help guide them. I’ll post it later as it is only in rough draft right now…

My friends ask me what outcome I want from the Board. I simply don’t yet know. Whatever the Bot decides will provide options going forward. They might oust him. They might give him another chance at the same school. What I decide to do after tomorrow might lead us down a completely different path.

But that’s for tomorrow. To all the parents who stand in support of the children: it is our duty, our privilege, our joy and our heartache to bear with fortitude, compassion and love.

The New Normal: an article

I posted last week about the "new normal" in respect of our neighbours, friends and families coping with the challenging and traumatic events in Christchurch.

I was interested to see that a journalist with The Press wrote about this same paradigm in an article published today. You may want to read his comments here.

Wishing courage and strength, to all parents, in the face of change …

Preparation 1

I've had an insightful comment from a reader - thank you - to which I would like to respond:

"Hey Claire,I too have a son recently turned 16ys and back at school doing NCEA 1 cos he failed last years attempt. Anyway today I had a phone call to say he has been stood down for x2 days due to a fighting incident. This is not the first time and this stand down has come with a firm warning that any other incident will result in us going to the Board of Trustees and likely hood of permanent action. I am well aware of a students rights to safety when attending school and when I meet with the Principal I will no doubt have something to say. You see my child is not alone in our community and there is some responsibility upon them/us to help give our sons a hand up not a hand out cos they are just too hard to handle. I want our sons to get an education it is after all their right to have one in our society surely? I am not sure of your cultural background, but my child is Måori and the statistics get even worst if you leave school at 16yrs old with no qualification and with an anger problem. Your meeting would have happened by now so let us know how it went."Rina

Firstly, I want to offer cyber and heartfelt support to Rina who is facing with Mother Courage and insight, the consequences of her son's actions. We mothers, women, parents, are not alone, and this is my real reason for starting up this blog, to make connections, share experiences and support growth and learning.

Rina makes some good points which I think are helpful not just for parents about to face a School Board disciplinary hearing:

1. The responsibility lies within our community to give our children a hand up not a hand out.

I've posted already about the triangle of responsibility, and that it takes a village to raise a child.

I do think that our education system could do better in providing resources for children who are going through the worst of the teenage years. I don’t have the answers, and I know a lot of programmes are already in place, or have been piloted, and some ended after funding ran out or governments changed. But I think if we accept that some children are unable to rescue themselves from the tangled brain mess inside, coupled with environmental factors that may exacerbate their behaviour in a negative way, we as a community ought to have systems in place to catch them. Not after they’ve gotten into trouble, but before. If they are identified as heading down that tangled path, then let’s find ways to hold them fast within a system that can deliver a high quality education opportunity as well as strong boundaries. Even from just a fiscal perspective, early investment in quality education support systems should show a positive return on investment further down the track.

2. The right to education.

In our society we are blessed by having the right to an education. Sometimes, though, equal access to education is not there. I know this is getting into hot political and bleeding heart liberal territory, so I’m not going to go too far here. But if we accept the right to education, then isn’t there a responsibility to deliver a broader education delivery option to support those who don’t fit the discipline mould. If we chuck out those who don’t (or plainly won’t) conform, are we doing our society a massive disservice and potentially costing society more by not having better systems in place. The Government’s Tertiary Education Strategy states (in part) the intention to improve the country’s economy and support sustainable growth. By excluding large numbers of children from the education system, I’d contend that we are costing the country and limiting its growth and development.

The Government’s vision is for a world-leading education system that equips all New Zealanders with the knowledge, skills and values to be successful citizens in the 21st century.

Although this is written in relation to the tertiary sector, a large number of our kids might not get anywhere near tertiary education or vocational opportunities, if they get ‘excluded’ before their brains have unscrambled themselves.

3. Statistics on Maori school children.

Another curly issue. Rina is right, the statistics are sobering. There’s an inverted ‘V’ in the graphs that show a spike in total numbers of students between the ages of 13 and 15 being suspended from schools: 67% of children suspended are in this age group. If we dealt with the numbers within the inverted V, this would mean by my calculations that over 3,000 children per annum would have access to targeted programmes that supported them and nurtured them while their brains, specifically their prefrontal cortex or the 'seat of reason' can't. In addition to these statistics, Maori are being suspended and excluded from schools in disproportionate numbers. You can read about it here.

What else do we know? This is the age when “brain changes during adolescence are among the most dramatic and important to occur during the human life span” (based on a scientific review paper, Steinberg 2010). Studies into ‘neuroplasticity’ of the brain and new research into the adolescent brain development are way beyond my comprehension, but what I do know is this: that in this time of huge change there are many individual differences and that both parents and the community have a huge role to play in putting systems in place to support, guide and determine the pathways down which our children can travel.

Because, we know that our children won’t be able to successfully navigate the way all by themselves.

More later as I prepare to meet the Board later in the week. Hopefully what I have to say is more structured than the ramble above (I’m stressed…!).

Bang! Bang! Reality knocking!

I didn’t get much done on my bloggy commitments this week. Reality came knocking on the door instead to tell me I HAD to take action.

On Thursday, Teen1 was suspended from school for the use of cannabis during school hours. He’s to appear in front of the Board of Trustees sometime in the next week. He’d wagged with three others, one of whom was found with weed on him at school, and then following questioning, all three admitted to smoking dope when wagging earlier in the week. All admitted it except my son, who vehemently denied it. His comment to me later: “ I’d never nark on my mates”. Even if they did to you? I asked incredulously. Apparently so, but as an afterthought, he did mutter that he couldn’t believe his mates ratted on him…. I suppressed a response.

My immediate concern was to see how far, deep or wide was my son’s state of mind, and his reaction to this latest narrowing of the path ahead.

An ambitious task indeed. Like a typical mother and woman, “I really wanted to know how he felt”!! Why do you always want to know how I feel, he muttered.

The thing about being off school though, is that I could engineer tasks to be done around the house, and so cleaning out the garage together on Friday allowed some engagement in the process of teen-to-mother “communication”. Short sentences. Quick jokes. Off hand queries. The occasional soppy stuff as I deliberately opened a box with all his preschool paintings (remember those?: the one of the 4 year old handprint with cute poem; and the ‘this is me and my family’ painting), allowing me a quick brush on his arm and a “you were sooo cute” rewarded with a ‘get out of here’ soppy smile back.

I didn’t discover much. He’s adamant he won’t go to the Board meeting. He apparently doesn’t care, he knows he is risking non-completion of NCEA qualifications, and tells me that he’ll find something else to do, some “course” (the Focker kids who have been expelled already are doing Kokiri or similar “courses”). Then he demonstrates that he is definitely 15 years old, when he comes in with the permission slip for a Geography class trip for me to sign, and as if a lightbulb goes on in his brain, suddenly realises he might not be able to go and is suitably abashed at the thought.

What is this all about?! I think it is about being 15, and male, and brain development impaired, and stuck in a corner with his mates, and making blindingly blinkered choices, exacerbated by a personality that is honing its propensity for arrogance, egotism and and and and… whatever else, it defies reason.

I’m going to go to the Board meeting with a well rounded presentation. When I’ve thought of what that is exactly.

The Board will doubtless make its decision on how my son presents himself, if he does turn up. It really is up to him now, in all his youthful immaturity, to find a way to get through this.

I do believe there’s a responsibility on me as his parent to present an argument, in this case not to defend his actions, or request leniency, but raise some broader issues. I know the Board is only there to do its job. I support that. Schools have to protect all their pupils, and I respect that too. But, if they expel my son, the likelihood of him passing NCEA level 1 this year drops exponentially, and therefore the statistics would suggest that he’s headed towards dropping out of the compulsory education sector, into unemployment, potentially crime, and time spent in a vastly different publicly funded government institution.

In which case, what is to be done? I can’t defend my son and anything else seems like protesting too much.

I’m going to fill my waking hours with researching and constructing this presentation for the Board. I’ll post the argument and if this were a discussion on, say, Nigel Latta’s Facebook community board it would be interesting to see what experience was out there amongst other parents and Trustees with experience on this matter. I am fast running out of intelligent, researched, witty or insightful commentaries on managing this situation. I know this blogspot software is cr*p and posting comments seems to be a technical nightmare for followers and readers, but any and all comments are welcome. Quickly. Email me if you don’t want to post a public comment – I know from past correspondence that more than a few of my readers have been down this path.

I’m all out of good ideas right now, but I’m sure some will come to me in the more lucid hours of the morning, probably around 3am, as I wait up this long night for the Teenager to come home.

I hope you are not waiting up for yours to come home. But, if you are out searching the streets for your child and you find mine, please can you send my boy home?....