Let It Be

Being in the moment, being present, stepping back - these are great principles for life. Particularly for yogis and religious devotees and non offspring-challenged adults.

I’ve shared recently about having Faith that all will be well; knowing that from these huge changes and upheavals in the family home, good will come; and working on stepping back to let your brat adored teenager have their space to find their own way… which I still advocate, but, as parents, the reality is that we do still have to Do Something About Stuff. I say this because I find myself back in action / reaction mode again, and having to work so hard to listen to my own inner wisdom.

My newly elevated exhaustion levels have come from proactively preempting an exclusion from school (ie: being expelled, for under 16 year olds) by checking out other options. So, last Friday after school, in the first of several organised interviews, the Teen and I trucked off to the high school a bit further down the road to meet the principal.

I don’t quite know what I wanted from the meeting, but I knew this: I was exhausted from stress and concern; I could not extol the virtues of my son when it would be abundantly clear with the first phone call this principal made back to the current school as to what the situation was; I thought it would be good for Teen1 to have to tell another school why he wanted to be at that one rather than his current one; and I was carrying disappointment that unlike past meetings at schools, full of positivity and hope and promise for the child and the school, this one had arisen out of negative experiences.

The principal had the situation pegged within minutes. He explained the expectations of the school and the school values. He proffered the view that his school’s way of operating would not be any different from T1’s current school (and put in a plug that his school valued academic achievement rather more highly than others…). In short, there was no wriggle room for T1. So T1 didn’t wriggle, he sat in glum silence unable to express why he wanted to go to the new school, what he’d do to exemplify a change in attitude, behaviour or application, or what he really wanted to do or achieve. All these are life purpose questions difficult for most people to answer on the spot, but the point was, that unless he had good reason to change school, this school had no compunction to take him (nor desire, as was the unspoken comment).

T1 expressed a lot of views after the meeting, to which I listened in silence. He’d been asking to go to that school for months, but interestingly, in one short meeting, it could be said that he and the principal agreed on something: neither wanted the other.

Alternative Education for under 16 year olds, non-offenders, who are bright and capable is elusive (non-existent?) as an independent opt-out from the compulsory sector, unless you are at a private school which provides a term in the bush (like one school in Hamilton does). If a reader knows of one, please write in, as I am sure many readers would be interested. I am back to looking again. There’s a military style academy for over 16 year olds which has a low level teaching curriculum aiming for a National Certificate in Employment Skills, a lot of outdoor activities, self esteem and confidence building modules, discipline and boy stuff in general. But we can’t get in there for age reasons. The Ministry of Education Alternative Education Officer is unable to offer anything suitable for my Teen (he needs to get into a bit more trouble yet, and what is offered at Kokiri or night classes would not suit him anyway). In previous posts I’ve mentioned several of the other options around the country (and overseas) that I have looked into.

There’s not quite a year left before my son could legally leave school. Not long to perpetrate a change or find a new path - or exhaust myself presenting ways to persuade my Teen to do either of the two. Today, I left the house in tears. I wasn’t able to be content with giving him space to find his own way, or with acknowledging his right to choose his own path. I was hurt by his words and actions (or non-actions if lying in bed refusing to go to school is an action), and all the disappointments I felt as a parent who was trying to Do their best. I got caught up in the Doing for him again, quickly realising that there’s no gain in crying tears of frustration or desperation or sadness, because he will be what he is destined to be…

… A frustrated schoolboy who one day becomes….. fabulously, wonderfully, brilliantly…. himself? It has happened before with countless others.

So I guess, I need to keep practising stepping back, whispering occasional, well placed words of wisdom (to myself), and letting things be.

I wonder if other parents dealing with teenagers in harm’s way, can “let it be”?