Step back. Step back.

I’ve drafted a few blog posts since my last one over a month ago. I haven’t posted any of them. Some I will in time, as they certainly are relevant to this activity called ‘parenting teenagers’. Some of the draft posts are focused on moving forward, on what I’ve learned over the last six months, on steps I might have taken mindfully rather than reactively, as I felt deluged by events. I’ve also not posted, as I’ve been thoroughly sick of myself. I decided I needed to turn my blog around. It started as a “oh my goddess, what is happening? Is this happening to anyone else?”

Then it turned into: ‘what can I do about this?’.

But in the last few posts it felt like a big moan. And noone likes a moaner, yeah?

So I stepped back and waited and watched the Teen. I got some sleep, ate more nuts and salads, got a tonic from a fabulous herbalist/naturopath, did some yoga and running, sought wise counsel, read and reread a few books, internet surfed and listened to some intelligent and funny speakers on many subjects, not just about parenting teenagers. I tried to sort out my blog software and got nowhere. I concentrated more on my professional careers (I have two, one a personal business and the other a corporate job). I cooked and baked (but not at 2am).

I set out what I might need to do to manage my home life, and I thought at lot about how I am as a parent and person. Lots of ugly nasty stuff came up. The good stuff is far easier to deal with and so nice to have.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about what insights I could now bring to the world of parenting and I came up with – none. I can only relate what I am going through, in the hope that what happens for me, what I learn and discover, might help someone else going through similar. More posts on that soon.

Certainly, with all the changes in my life in the last couple of years, I stick by one of the core principles for managing change:

“From any change, something good will come.”

That’s one principle that used to annoy me when I was going through change, but it is really true. I know it, because I’ve been through so many changes, and good has come.

What has changed this year, is that the first of my teenagers is telling me to fuck off. Ah, he’s a lovely boy, but getting that in my face most days either in word or action is a real kill joy experience. The good that kept coming was that when I walked away from him, I found myself over and over again. I am not him. I am not his situation. I am not That. I am Me. It was good to find the Me in the present moment, even if it was only fleeting at times.

In the last month, there was an initial quiet period, but that was simply a time for him to shape his hormones into various toys, and get ready to chuck the lot out of his proverbial cot.

Basically, he’s reverted to being a more experienced manager of his mid-winter leap into the blind world of a testosterone fuelled young male. He’s more manipulative, arrogant and dismissive than earlier in the year. He’s ok about coming home stoned or drunk and if not admitting to it, then not denying it. He’s ok about saying ‘yeah’ to the time I tell him to be home then completely ignoring it. He’s pretty good at playing me for money, then getting equally nasty when the answer is ‘no’. School is a distant activity of no particular relevance. Exams? Well, he just walks out of them after tagging his exam papers (‘what else was I supposed to do, I was bored?’). Attendance? Doesn’t want to be there. Has no idea where he wants to be, just not at school.

Etc. Etc.

The difference is that I’ve changed. I might not go to sleep until he gets in at night, but I’m not baking at 2am, or calling all his friends.

I’m stepping back. When Teen1 steps backwards, I step in to check it out, I throw an occasional hissy fit (forgetting my mantra ‘I am not That’), but then I remember to step back.

I step back.

I cannot change the direction of the path he is on. I just hope that by my making my own, tiny internal changes, something good will come.

I am sure that good will come for all parents reading this blog.