Break Through: to the other side of a little faith

Be thankful for little things. In the last months I have posted about a Breakdown (September 5), a Break In (September 18) and here’s a crack at a “Break Through”.

I have been contacted by Victim Support and the Police to advise that two men appeared in court on charges relating to the burglary of my house, and of three others in the neighbourhood. The men are 19 and 26 years old, recidivist criminals apparently, and both pleaded not guilty. One has been released with electronic monitoring, the other is still in custody. No stolen goods have been found, but a third man has given evidence against the two with an account of the crime that seems to be fairly accurate. Hence this break through in the investigation answers some questions and allays some concerns I did have about the burglary: Teen1 had threatened the day before the burglary to steal all my things if I didn’t give him any money - so had he actually done this or instigated it?, I wondered.

Oh. Me of little faith.

Teen1’s immediate response was predicable and justified: ‘see, Mum, I told you none of my mates did it”. There was another point being made to him of course, about who he’s hanging out with, and their record of crime with the police, but I opted to shut up.

The converse to being stuck in a perpetual emotional pattern of Fear, is to have Faith. If one is stuck in Fear – fear from within one’s self, or fear of not being perfect – then a way to exercise control over or to relinquish the control of Fear, is to have Faith. Life isn’t always going to be perfect and neither are we all perfect. Have Faith that all will be well. Or even more realistic, have faith in someone else to find their own way.

I always had (blind, instinctive) faith that my sons would grow into good men. Somehow, somewhere along this year’s long and lonesome road, I lost it. I lost a grip on it, for example, when I wondered if T1’s friends had been involved in the burglary. But, lately, I’ve dug around in the murky depths, and find Faith still flickers within me.

Yes!, me of little Faith!

A little is a lot at times of worry, stress and fear. I’ll let that succour me for a while.

Have Faith parents, a little goes a long way!

Let It Be

Being in the moment, being present, stepping back - these are great principles for life. Particularly for yogis and religious devotees and non offspring-challenged adults.

I’ve shared recently about having Faith that all will be well; knowing that from these huge changes and upheavals in the family home, good will come; and working on stepping back to let your brat adored teenager have their space to find their own way… which I still advocate, but, as parents, the reality is that we do still have to Do Something About Stuff. I say this because I find myself back in action / reaction mode again, and having to work so hard to listen to my own inner wisdom.

My newly elevated exhaustion levels have come from proactively preempting an exclusion from school (ie: being expelled, for under 16 year olds) by checking out other options. So, last Friday after school, in the first of several organised interviews, the Teen and I trucked off to the high school a bit further down the road to meet the principal.

I don’t quite know what I wanted from the meeting, but I knew this: I was exhausted from stress and concern; I could not extol the virtues of my son when it would be abundantly clear with the first phone call this principal made back to the current school as to what the situation was; I thought it would be good for Teen1 to have to tell another school why he wanted to be at that one rather than his current one; and I was carrying disappointment that unlike past meetings at schools, full of positivity and hope and promise for the child and the school, this one had arisen out of negative experiences.

The principal had the situation pegged within minutes. He explained the expectations of the school and the school values. He proffered the view that his school’s way of operating would not be any different from T1’s current school (and put in a plug that his school valued academic achievement rather more highly than others…). In short, there was no wriggle room for T1. So T1 didn’t wriggle, he sat in glum silence unable to express why he wanted to go to the new school, what he’d do to exemplify a change in attitude, behaviour or application, or what he really wanted to do or achieve. All these are life purpose questions difficult for most people to answer on the spot, but the point was, that unless he had good reason to change school, this school had no compunction to take him (nor desire, as was the unspoken comment).

T1 expressed a lot of views after the meeting, to which I listened in silence. He’d been asking to go to that school for months, but interestingly, in one short meeting, it could be said that he and the principal agreed on something: neither wanted the other.

Alternative Education for under 16 year olds, non-offenders, who are bright and capable is elusive (non-existent?) as an independent opt-out from the compulsory sector, unless you are at a private school which provides a term in the bush (like one school in Hamilton does). If a reader knows of one, please write in, as I am sure many readers would be interested. I am back to looking again. There’s a military style academy for over 16 year olds which has a low level teaching curriculum aiming for a National Certificate in Employment Skills, a lot of outdoor activities, self esteem and confidence building modules, discipline and boy stuff in general. But we can’t get in there for age reasons. The Ministry of Education Alternative Education Officer is unable to offer anything suitable for my Teen (he needs to get into a bit more trouble yet, and what is offered at Kokiri or night classes would not suit him anyway). In previous posts I’ve mentioned several of the other options around the country (and overseas) that I have looked into.

There’s not quite a year left before my son could legally leave school. Not long to perpetrate a change or find a new path - or exhaust myself presenting ways to persuade my Teen to do either of the two. Today, I left the house in tears. I wasn’t able to be content with giving him space to find his own way, or with acknowledging his right to choose his own path. I was hurt by his words and actions (or non-actions if lying in bed refusing to go to school is an action), and all the disappointments I felt as a parent who was trying to Do their best. I got caught up in the Doing for him again, quickly realising that there’s no gain in crying tears of frustration or desperation or sadness, because he will be what he is destined to be…

… A frustrated schoolboy who one day becomes….. fabulously, wonderfully, brilliantly…. himself? It has happened before with countless others.

So I guess, I need to keep practising stepping back, whispering occasional, well placed words of wisdom (to myself), and letting things be.

I wonder if other parents dealing with teenagers in harm’s way, can “let it be”?

Step back. Step back.

I’ve drafted a few blog posts since my last one over a month ago. I haven’t posted any of them. Some I will in time, as they certainly are relevant to this activity called ‘parenting teenagers’. Some of the draft posts are focused on moving forward, on what I’ve learned over the last six months, on steps I might have taken mindfully rather than reactively, as I felt deluged by events. I’ve also not posted, as I’ve been thoroughly sick of myself. I decided I needed to turn my blog around. It started as a “oh my goddess, what is happening? Is this happening to anyone else?”

Then it turned into: ‘what can I do about this?’.

But in the last few posts it felt like a big moan. And noone likes a moaner, yeah?

So I stepped back and waited and watched the Teen. I got some sleep, ate more nuts and salads, got a tonic from a fabulous herbalist/naturopath, did some yoga and running, sought wise counsel, read and reread a few books, internet surfed and listened to some intelligent and funny speakers on many subjects, not just about parenting teenagers. I tried to sort out my blog software and got nowhere. I concentrated more on my professional careers (I have two, one a personal business and the other a corporate job). I cooked and baked (but not at 2am).

I set out what I might need to do to manage my home life, and I thought at lot about how I am as a parent and person. Lots of ugly nasty stuff came up. The good stuff is far easier to deal with and so nice to have.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about what insights I could now bring to the world of parenting and I came up with – none. I can only relate what I am going through, in the hope that what happens for me, what I learn and discover, might help someone else going through similar. More posts on that soon.

Certainly, with all the changes in my life in the last couple of years, I stick by one of the core principles for managing change:

“From any change, something good will come.”

That’s one principle that used to annoy me when I was going through change, but it is really true. I know it, because I’ve been through so many changes, and good has come.

What has changed this year, is that the first of my teenagers is telling me to fuck off. Ah, he’s a lovely boy, but getting that in my face most days either in word or action is a real kill joy experience. The good that kept coming was that when I walked away from him, I found myself over and over again. I am not him. I am not his situation. I am not That. I am Me. It was good to find the Me in the present moment, even if it was only fleeting at times.

In the last month, there was an initial quiet period, but that was simply a time for him to shape his hormones into various toys, and get ready to chuck the lot out of his proverbial cot.

Basically, he’s reverted to being a more experienced manager of his mid-winter leap into the blind world of a testosterone fuelled young male. He’s more manipulative, arrogant and dismissive than earlier in the year. He’s ok about coming home stoned or drunk and if not admitting to it, then not denying it. He’s ok about saying ‘yeah’ to the time I tell him to be home then completely ignoring it. He’s pretty good at playing me for money, then getting equally nasty when the answer is ‘no’. School is a distant activity of no particular relevance. Exams? Well, he just walks out of them after tagging his exam papers (‘what else was I supposed to do, I was bored?’). Attendance? Doesn’t want to be there. Has no idea where he wants to be, just not at school.

Etc. Etc.

The difference is that I’ve changed. I might not go to sleep until he gets in at night, but I’m not baking at 2am, or calling all his friends.

I’m stepping back. When Teen1 steps backwards, I step in to check it out, I throw an occasional hissy fit (forgetting my mantra ‘I am not That’), but then I remember to step back.

I step back.

I cannot change the direction of the path he is on. I just hope that by my making my own, tiny internal changes, something good will come.

I am sure that good will come for all parents reading this blog.