Absence

I start with apologies for an absence of well over two months now... and I have a little and a lot of explanations I could make.

Lovely readers have checked in and asked how things are going: thank you one and all.

I got tired.  I was writing over the last year as much to capture the moment, as try to find answers to esoteric questions that  usually started with the word "why....?".

I got sick of myself.  Writing about the cruddy stuff of life seemed defeatist at times.  I countered it by writing every night in my Gratitude journal, by meditation, positivity, and achievements and fun stuff in other areas of my life.  But I tired writing about a child who it seemed I could not help.

I'm hopeless at the technology, I just can't seem to get it right. Or have my blog look the way I want it too (cool, funky, bright: hmmm, wrong blog subject for that!).  So my blog was blogging me up.

I got busy with other work, and with family life.  There's been five birthdays in my close family, numerous visits, school holidays, two weeks of illness and a few too many snow days.

I got writer's block.

My other two boys needed more attention, and I gave it, reaping rewards for them, and by extension for the whole family.

I needed time for me, time to concentrate effort on my business, on my colleagues, on my extended family, and on healing an injury that had been causing debilitating pain for some months.

It was a conundrum for me to write here about this very personal, difficult parenting and family life, while developing a business that centred on positive emotions, on future focussed solutions, on creating and developing positive mindsets, of working and assisting people to reach their potential.  I needed instead to focus on keeping myself and my business contacts ethically safe, and to do that, I needed to walk away for a time from complete concentration on one child so that I could get other parts of my house in order.

I was exhausted from wringing my hands in front of genuinely caring school educationalists, social workers, friends and people in extended networks.  Without coming up with any answers.

I'm still asking the same questions and making the same mistakes.  It is just that I am asking the big questions less frequently, demanding less of myself, accepting more the things I cannot change, and forgiving myself and my dearest lovely lost boy for our mistakes and for missing each other as we travel along on this life journey we share.

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose: the more things change the more they remain the same.  This was the first French saying I learned years ago.  It is kind of defeatist, but in these circumstances, as my lovely 16 year old boy travels down his lonely road, it does sum up the last couple of months for him and for my parenting of him.

I look to the light in the east... as we all must when the new day dawns.

Until soon

go gently
Claire