Silence is Golden

Is it so with very many people that they only write a journal or diary when they are lonely, sad, suffering....or totally mad at their teenagers?

I remember those fraught times in my life when I wrote in my journals like a woman possessed with finding answers. Times when I would lie in bed on winter weekends with my pen in hand scripting paragraphs wondering if my current love loved me. Homesick for the first time when I travelled to take up a summer placement job in a city where I knew noone and was living at my dear, but ancient, aunt's place, I recall I scribbled myself to sleep at night. And so many other times too. Young and miserable with unrequited love for a much older Frenchman who later turned out to be gay. Struggling with making a decision between staying in a career that had prestige and power but where I had no attachment to the organisation at all, or leaving to pursue other options so that I could meet other parts of me I didn't yet know existed. Emotionally wrecked when I discovered my husband had several other women whose shadows began to cross over the threshold of my home and marriage. Scared when a friend was diagnosed with cancer and my role was to stand solid, unafraid and focused beside her. Bereft when someone I loved deeply died. Reflective when I was in therapy once, twice and a third time again. Lonely and unsure when I uprooted my children and left my home to start a new life as a single mum. Terrified when my son first came home noticeably messed up in his head and in his soul.

All these times taking up a pen, or a key board, brought out the pain and helped me to see myself more clearly with each sentence. Then cringe in the rereading of it all.

I would far rather write an abundance journal. I tried at times, but whenever I've been so fabulously content, there's other tapestries to weave that don't involve me weaving sentences together.

So, when things were going smoothly in my life, I was more silent and still inside.

Lately, I've been working on being more silent and still in my parenting life, inside and out. In the midst of my fear for Teen1, or indeed for all three of my boys, I've been working on my sense of Faith. Faith that all will be well. I rest at night with that thought, letting the computer blink accusingly at me ('write, write, write', it blinks) without succumbing to tapping out thoughts, until I turn out the light at 11pm or 2am after Teen1 gets in the door. Then I go to sleep.

Wondering if worried parents could find an inner sense of Faith as an antidote for their fears for their children, what changes might occur.

Sleeping holiday reaps rewards

It amazes me how much a boy can sleep. I know that teenage boys are supposed to, but twelve hours a day for days on end: it is fascinating. Like babies, you can almost watch them grow and develop in their sleep. Not that I stood and watched him sleep. Not really.

With having just one child who slept most of the first week of school holidays, I discovered a new woman had shifted in to the house. One that was calm, organized, exercising, eating small healthy meals, productive (apart from blogging), focused as well as a bit dreamy, sociable… and I liked her!

Teen1 liked her too for most of that week while he sloughed off weeks of trashy living. With no brothers in his space, and quiet in the house, his whole demeanour became calm, energized, healthy and sociable… and I liked him too!

When two conflicted parties have some stress removed from around them, and can be in each other’s space quietly without cause for conflict, it is fabulous what emerges. Like:

- Discussions about music : I learned that some of the doof doof stuff I complained about in my Ladder of Doom post, isn’t that bad. And if Elton John collaborates with Tupac, well, I can be open about listening to rap. For four minutes.

- Agreement on school camp options, which had us looking forward to something, and me looking forward to seeing how he goes walking up the side of a mountain with his newly nicotine smeared lungs.

- Discussions about NCEA subject choices, which holds some hope that he intends to stay on for Year 11.

- Collaboration with getting household chores done.

- The eating of late tv dinners together and mutual agreement on lack of programming choice on free to air tv.

- Completion of some larger jobs around the house.

- A shared laugh or two about something silly even if it is at my expense.

- A few hugs. And an “I love you too Mum”.

Discussion + Agreement + Collaboration + Togetherness + Laugh + Hug : now these are words that have not been in the Me + Teen1 equation for some time.

Teenage parenting tip: Put them to sleep. Huge benefits may flow forth!

Hoping all parents have found some time to rejuvenate these holidays – or can do so next Monday when the troops return to school.